Contractual Employee Agreement - Sample Contract

 

 

Employment Contract

 

I, the undersigned employee, do hereby agree to the terms and conditions set forth by this contractual agreement, acknowledging that this agreement takes precedence over any other agreements in the past, present or throughout the remainder of my life.

 

  • I do hereby declare exemption from any labor law protection, whether state or federal

 

  • I do hereby agree to waive my constitutional rights, at any time, at the request of <the company>

 

  • I do hereby relinquish my right to the pursuit of happiness

 

  • I acknowledge that <the company> is not required to actually pay me

 

  • I hereby waive my rights to all benefits included in the accompanying employment packet, which includes, but is not limited to: Health and Death benefits, 401k, Profit Sharing, Vacation, Stock Options and Cash Bonuses

 

  • I understand that should <the company> issue stock to me, <the company> shall reserve the right to dilute the shares as much as possible, and buy back those shares at 1% of their current estimated value, and may require me to pay them, for the administrative resources and processing required to do so.

 

  • I understand that I am required to give at least 1 year prior written notice, should I plan to terminate my employment with <the company>

 

  • I understand that <the company> may terminate my employment at any time, without notice, and may do so in a very malicious, humiliating and violent manner

 

  • I hereby declare <the company> as the sole beneficiary of my estate and is entitled to receive any and all benefits from my death, dismemberment, auto and home insurance claims, as well as any unemployment benefits I may receive upon termination

 

  • I hereby release <the company> of any obligations to follow through with any promises made, whether verbal or in writing

 

  • I hereby authorize <the company> and it’s officers to lie, cheat, steal from, and sodomize me repeatedly, if it is deemed necessary for the overall health of <the company>

 

  • I acknowledge that should I ever terminate my employment with <the company> I will not be allowed to work for any other company, ever

 

  • Should <the company> be investigated for any of it’s illegal practices, I do hereby agree to accept immediate termination and will take full responsibility for any actions <the company> feels necessary to accuse me of

 

I understand that the terms set forth by this agreement are in the best interest of <the company> and that I am unimportant, worthless and ugly - not to mention being a vile, disgusting creature and am grateful for <the company>’s willingness to stoop to my level and take me on as an employee

 

Employee Signature:_______________________

Superior Signature:_______________________

Very Superior Signature: _________________

Witness1:_____________________________

Witness2:____________________________