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Ebonics a National Language?

A small crew of citizens submitted a petition to have Ebonics upheld as a national language, or as they put it, "Axe'n ta make dis shih da way y'all be talkin beeatch".  They were informed that only internationally accepted languages such as English, Spanish, French and Japanese are eligible for National Language status.  In response, G Pimp Benzo stated, "dayam, dat shih wack"  The band of self-labeled "thugs" dispersed after sending "shout outs" to their homies, and pouring beer on the floor for Notorious BIG and Tupac RIP.  Whatever the hell all of that means.

California Prostitutes Lobby for better treatment, less strict laws.

Over 300 Prostitutes Lobbied a California Congressman for protection against discrimination, lifting of laws, and continued tax free income.  The congressman took a stand behind them saying, "I will meet with each and every one of you, one to three at a time, as often as twice per day, until I have heard what each of you has to say"  He also added, "Rest assured, I will be behind you all the way".

State of Emergency declared by Bush and Greenspan.

"Comedy is at an all-time low in America" said the duo, upon discovering that some Americans actually think Bob Costas is funny.  Bush offered his pledge to root out the wrong doers, and Greenspan pledged to challenge Costas to an all out battle on Fear Factor.  "We will do all we can.  Make no mistake, Comedy will return to this starving nation" declared Bush.  Greenspan pledged to "Raise interest rates to the point where we will have to finance a cheeseburger, unless some drastic changes are made".  In response, Costas offered to take out his shoulder pads on the air.  "That's more like it Bobby!" exclaimed Bush.

Not too long ago, in a reality far far away....

Two Seattle residents have been in line for the upcoming release of Star Wars Episode II this May.  When approached for interview, the smell was far too strong to get within conversation's distance.  "We have vowed not to shower, shave or cut our hair until after Opening Night!"  Shouted one man, "This way, we will already be in costume for the show, we are going as the Wookie Twins, cousins to Chewbacca!"

ET is also set to release this year, but the only individual to form a line so far was former President Bill Clinton.  He mistakenly thought this was a line to receive an Extra Testicle.  He promptly left upon finding out this was not the case, and firmly denies his presence at the theater.  He then retracted, saying he was "there" but only ate popcorn.  Further revisions still to come.

Earth muffins search effort in vain.

Will Polst, long standing member of environmental activist group,"Earth Muffins" dropped a "burrito bag" somewhere along a hiking trail near Mt. Hood, OR.  For those of you who aren't "in the know", a burrito bag is a ziplock baggy filled with cat litter.  Some hikers carry these with them, so they won't contaminate the outdoors if they need to have a bowel movement.  You simply go in the bag, then put toilet paper in bag with it, zip it up and go about your hike with the knowledge that you did what you had to do, to keep the outdoors great!

"I had it in my pocket, but somewhere along the way I must have dropped it" said Polst, in between sobs.  The Earth Muffins formed an assembly of over 150 people to look for the contaminating, non-biodegradable item.  We have been going for three days straight and have had no luck. 

During the event, Jane Pilliar and George Fullman also lost burrito bags.  Jane Pilliar: "I tried to hold it, but just couldn't, then it fell from my jacket when jumping across a fast-moving brook.  Poor fishies!"  Fullman: "This is a catastrophe, a terrible, horrific event.....I can't talk about it"

In unrelated news, FBI mountaineering officials are investigating a white powdery substance found in a bag of human feces.  "We just can't be too careful these days." says Agent Pearlman.  "We know those Al Qaeda bastards are very capable of hiding out in the mountains and holes, so we're turning over every stone - nothing in the area will remain untouched."  The FBI will be scouring the area, digging out trees, dynamiting caves and even burning in some spots.  "They can run, but they can't hide" said Special Agent Smith.