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Countries Proclaim "Fight to the finish"

Paki, Afghans, Iranian, Iraqi, Israelis and Palestinians have declared a "Fight to the finish" between them.

The Whitehouse response of "Let us know how it turns out" has been temporarily postponed, though it is expected to be released in the near future.  The delay is said to be due to negotiations over a pay-per-view venture.



Extremists join forces with Al-Quaida

Wana, Pakistan - Islamic extremists have officially declared a joining of forces with Al-Quaida.

This news came most unexpectedly to the U.S. and it's alliances.  The significant impact this news will have on U.S. citizens is yet to be determined, as most of us don't know the fucking difference between them.


Despite Protests in Tongues, Judge Overturns Motion

San Antonio, TX:  Attorney Roy Hardlan moved to overrule the proven, scientific, inarguable fact that it is completely stupid to dance around with poisonous snakes.  Judge Judeson, with a crack of her gavel - "No, it's stupid"

Following the ruling, a group of gathered citizens said in protest, "llaahhbbllaaahh lbluewwwaah lubba lubba blubba luh"



The Mandatory Flex, A Continued Tradition

Omaha NB:  120 lb man explodes into full body flex upon being touched by date.  "Women have no appreciation for the sheer endurance that must be had, to hold a full body flex every time we are touched by a woman" said Stevie Newton.  "The real trick is to hold the flex, without the date knowing you are flexing." 


His date, Sheryl Cantos spoke with us in secrecy, "Women know when guys flex and suck in their guts, we have always known - why do you think they act so stupid?  I'll tell you, they are light headed from flexing all of the time.  But don't you dare tell Stevie I said that!"   "No Problem" we said.



NASCAR Re-declared "Manly" after "Pole Sitting" Misunderstanding.



Insider "Gets Out",  Sites Market Instability

Insider trading at Cisco Systems has seen it's latest sell off. Herbert Fellowes, a Janitor for Cisco is the latest to cash in on CSCO common stock. "I've watched the market and it's just too unpredictable these days, I'm getting out while things are on the upside" said Fellowes following the sale of his 6 shares of stock awarded to him as part of a bonus last Christmas. Fellowes plans to keep the 18 lb. butterball and golf shirt.


World Record Attempt

8th Annual Technology Convention, Salt Lake City, UT: Winston Kvammeschulploski attempted to break a world record by saying 'samsung' fast and clearly 3 times in a row. "With a last name like mine, I figured this to be a walk in the park" He made it past the first pronunciation with little effort, but the second was quite a strain. The third, being his nemesis, was his ultimate undoing - leaving him stunned and gyrating in place, before the crowd of bystanders. "The record was not broken today, But I tried damnit, at least I can say that." said Mr.K.



Vin Diesel denounces type-casting label.

Type-Casting, which is choosing an actor with the exact personality of a character in a production, so the actor does not have to act.  This was the label tossed out to Vin Diesel after filming The Fast and The Furious.  Vin's comment, "That's BS man, I can act all kinds of stuff, I mean ways, this guy kept me out of handcuffs, I mean yea, I don't er ah I can act good man, I'm gonna be in a bunch of films, one has some fast cars and another one has some stunts and stuff, and I play this hard ass guy in all of them, not type-casting man, that is acting."