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Breaking News: Texas - Guy in big truck threatens to run over compact car, and then doesn't do it.

This Just In: Bob Costas lands supporting role in remake of 70's television series, Fantasy Island.  Information on which character he will play has yet to be released.

Sausage company may see some changes Execs of multi-million dollar sausage company have asked the owner to kill himself.  This came with hopes to avoid the bad exposure of a cholesterol induced heart attack.  The owner, who also carries the company name has yet to reply, but his wife and four children say it's the best option.

Breaking News: Extremists defend bacterial rights in anti-biotic protest.

Quickie Stop - Best Condiment Dispensers

Salt Lake City - Quickie Stop opted for the "All or nothing" condiment dispensers, in lieu of the standard ketchup and mustard packets at several valley locations.  "We like keeping customers on their toes." said register operator Jim Magowan.  Frequenters of the convenience store chain have become accustomed to the sound of patrons mumbling, "Ok, come on, come on, come on, come-oh fuck."

Latest Beer Trend Following the astounding success of such hits as Red Moose Pilsner and Black Dog Stout, Gray Cat Ale takes stage as the next raging beverage.  Though many people think this is quite sick and wrong, and activists have called it "The worst thing on animals since Richard Gere", record sales are expected as this newcomer hits shelves in the hot months this summer.

It's A Penis Thing, You Wouldn't Understand

The latest sticker frenzy, brought on by owners of overly-modified Jeeps, has expanded to include all overly-modified vehicles - including large trucks, sport compacts with coffee can tailpipes and even Saturns with large spoilers and racing stripes.

"It's A Penis Thing, You Wouldn't Understand" is landing in rear windows of modified vehicles across the U.S. and have been spotted in some regions of Canada, as well as the U.K.

"We're all about honesty" says Jeep fanatic Carl Weiss, "I think most women can appreciate that."

Scooter Gangs Rumble Venice Beach - Two rival scooter gangs, the "Zingers" and the "Zoomies" engaged in an all out rumble Friday. The brawl reportedly escalated from an exchange between two rival members of the gangs.  "It's better to zing than to zoom!" said Willy Jones, 17.  "Oh yea, well it's better to zoom than to zing" replied Jimmy Schmitts, 18.

A myriad of windmill punching sequences followed the harsh exchange and prompted gang members from both sides to join in the battle

"I've never seen anything like it" said one witness, "all at once, there were more than 30 people with their eyes closed, swinging their arms and fists at each other in a windmill fashion, it was amazing!"

Two minutes into the rumble, the first and last person to be hit was Zinger member, Jones.  "It really hurt" said whimpering Jones, "I can't believe he actually hit me!"

No arrests were made, as police were rendered powerless by the frenzy of violence.  Officer Bradbury, "We know we should have acted, but damn, I'm only 33 and I've got 2 kids to raise, and I'm not going out like that."

Members of both gangs have officially declared a "cease fire", saying, "There's room in Venice Beach for both of us, for now."

Free Willy Protestors Disappointed A group of animal rights extremists gathered on capitol hill in protest of harboring "Willy" in captivity. It was much to their disappointment to learn that nearly 100 attempts have been made to release the orca back into the wild, but he simply won't go. "We wanted to protest something today and make a difference, but we don't have anything else to protest.  This is crap!" said leader Jimmy Jackson as he stormed off to purchase some patchouli.   Marine Biologists with expertise in Orca communications have been baffled by Keiko's (Willy's real name) decision to stay.  "We have had success in interpreting communications of other orcas, but when we study the audio samples from Keiko, he seems to be saying, 'Fuck that, I'm stayin' and I am certain that is not the correct interpretation.

Assets in Paradise

Trailer park manager lands deal with park owner - gains free lot rent, in exchange for neighbor observation from her porch.  "One must have goals" said the park manager, Nelly Smith, "Most people don't dare to go above and beyond the norm, but I did, and as a result have achieved and can afford some of the finer things."  This said, while motioning toward her recently purchased collection of muumuus and ceramic gnomes.

Barbie Inventor Dies Following the death of the 85 year old Barbie inventor, collectors eagerly anticipate the release of the "Malibu Coffin"  Though still in prototype phase, and may not be seen on the shelves until early spring next year, many collectors have pre-paid resellers for the coffins.

Government Releases Work Competency Study with Census

The Federal Government released results of the year 2000 census.  In a parallel release, they provided information on occupationally specific competency tests, which were administered in the same year.

Unfortunately, information on employees of government entities was not included in this release.  The data was reportedly lost in the mail.  Though they did not retain a backup copy, officials say not to worry, since "It was insured."

Kmart Closing Several Locations The retailer is clearing it's shelves at many of it's stores due to certain reasons.  For a limited time, buyers will be able to purchase substandard items for only 10-15% more than you would pay at a competitor's store.  One item of note is a Charcoal Grill, which has a retail value of $70.  But right now it is priced to move at $70.