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Breaking News: Donald Trump files for oxygen patent.
The Crazy Life
Ricky Martin not living such a "vida loca" since sitting around all day, waiting for agent to call on album that will never be made.
Seattle - Marty Bruebeck ordered a 20 oz. Porterhouse steak at an Outback Steakhouse, Friday. The 20 oz. Porterhouse somehow became a 10 oz. Porterhouse when it arrived at his table.
"Maybe it's just me, but I think that's amazing!" said a mystified Bruebeck.
Research probes have yielded little information. Investigator Williams "They aren't talking, but our investigation is far from being called off, as prior to this discovery, only retirement plans were known for possessing this type of morphing technology."
This Just In: Swap Meet dealer fails to sell limited edition Budweiser items, blames market conditions.
Inmates Cite Terrorist Impact
CA - Inmates of the Cino Correctional Institution protest tighter enforcement of sexual misconduct regulations. In a press release, one inmate stated, "If we can't feel safe, going about our normal, daily activities, such as butt raping sessions, then the terrorists have already won." The relationship between this and terrorism has yet to be determined.
Breaking News: Press encourages Catholic priests to "Be a little more creative." as reporting the same crimes and activities each day is "Getting old".
Breaking News: Tyson rendered defenseless after root canal.
Star Wars Action Figure Found
Ted Gull finds rare "Attack of the Clones" Yoda with background insert and 3 rings on belt. The Yoda can fetch as much as $30 from serious collectors. "I've filled my tank 8 times, and spent 100+ hours visiting over 150 stores to find this little guy" said Gull, "Some people were laughing at me before I found him, but who's laughing now?!"
This Just In:
"Dude, Your Gettin A Dell" having less impact these days for commercial star "Steven", when said in public places.
Breaking News: Detroit woman seeking third appraisal on cubic zirconium engagement ring.
Klansman Exposes Face
Kentucky - Klan Leader removes hood from face, showing his fake beard and glasses, proving he is not ashamed of his beliefs or afraid of the consequences.
This Just In: "Clean One Owner" enticement, ineffective in 78 Dodge Colt car listing.
Church Can be Fun
Providence, RI - Toward the end of Betsy Roberts emotional speech to her fellow church members, she bursted into tears, saying, "I'm just a big boob" and took her seat. Pastor Allen was said to have gotten up before the congregation and in attempt to ease emotional Roberts, said, "That's ok Betsy, I like big boobs"
The mass of church goers burst into laughter as the Pastor turned bright red as he realized what he had just said. Miss Roberts then got up and did a variation of the Macarena as she pulled up her shirt, she danced on her seat as the congregation went completely hysterical. People began running up and down the aisles, and giving high fives. Soon Miss Roberts was joined by several other women, who also pulled up their shirts. They started a bunny hop train, and everyone, including Pastor Allen joined in. This could possibly be the worst story Screaming Pickle has ever attempted. Likely a result of no lunch and being subjected to the torturous experience of staring at a Pontiac Aztec for the entire commute, or possibly a lack of motivation. But there you have it, another true occurrence, with nearly all of the truth wrung out of it.