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Breaking News: Mike Tyson Lands Lead Role in the Anticipated Jaws V.
Butch's Pub - Memphis, TN
Upon seeing Prince Charles on the Bar Television, Local man, Mel Ruttman was witnessed to say, "Them damn English, what a bunch of pussys, that place is nuthin but pale ass limp wristed fags that couldn't hurt a fly, I could fight the whole damn country myself"
Lenox Lewis was unavailable for comment.
This Just In: All-Star Wrestling - Fake, Stupid.
Game Will Not Be Made, Despite Petitions.
Lara Kraft Game, Womb Raider, an adult spin off of the popular 13 and over game, will not be made, despite petitioning, protests and rallying of perverted men and teens who fantasize about naked cartoon characters.
Snacks to Recognize Animal Rights
Snack maker plans to change ingredients in honor of animal rights movement. No longer will "beef fat" appear among the list of ingredients. Spokesperson, "From this day forward, it shall be known as 'animal shortening'"
God wins Ebay Auction
"No Reserve for a perfectly good soul." read the anonymous auction's title. After bidding went back and forth between God and Devil for the 7 day duration of the auction. The Devil realized the extent of his assets consist of equity in Hell, and a few living politician's souls. God on the other hand has an unlimited amount of resources as well as a limitless credit line with PayPal. Bidding rose to $1000 and pretty much stayed in that area until the closing minutes of the auction. The Devil tried to sneak in a high bid at the last minute, submitting a proxy bid up to $50,000 with 5 seconds left. He was astonished when the bid somehow went to $50,000.01 with one second to go. Not enough time to counter bid.
It turns out, God had
placed a proxy bid for up to infinity dollars on the first day of the auction.
The Devil stood no chance against it, since he invested Hell's assets in Enron
stock last December. The $50k bid price was in fact not even his money, it was
put on his credit line at Washing Mutually Bank.
The Devil is said to be applying for an extended equity line at Washing Mutually Bank. Bank reps have no problems with this, as a loan default will deliver Hell and all it's contents to them. "We've created Hell on earth, next stop, Hell. We own this sucker now - and he thought he'd end up owning us!" said Reaper-resentative Micheal Stark.
God gave a thumbs up to Ebay and the audience of auction watchers across the globe. "This was a sweet deal," said God. " And who better to go up against than the Devil?" As God faded off peacefully into the heavens, one last jab came crashing down to the Devil. With the force and power of Thunder, came a statement heard round the world: "How do you like me now?"
Catholic Church Continues Standing on Birth Control
"We aren't going to let this get out from under us.", said Priest Venito. "Condoms and other forms of birth control go against our firm beliefs, and we will not budge."
Later this week, the church is expected to announce position on bathing, showering, hand washing and eating off of the floor.
Breaking News: Honor Student OD's on ambition, turns to pot.
Schvidal Schasoon Announces Kosher hair product line
Herbal Dill conditioner, Cleansing Cucumber shampoo, Kosher bath salts, and Pickle shaped loofah will be among the items to hit retailer's shelves this fall. When asked about the pickle oriented line, Schvidal spokesperson stated, "We don't know why everything has to be related to pickles, we didn't invent pickles or being Jewish."
Jim Vlasic was not available for comment.
Woman Falls, Ties
Nijiis Night Club, Manhattan NY: Lisa Birmingham had a few too many Cosmopolitans, and was working her way toward the bar for another. Lisa took a step into a freshly spilled Hard Lemonade and lost her balance. Her face hit the floor, but she managed a lightning fast correction into a "runners stretch position" where she made a sleight-of-hand tug to loosen her shoelace, then took her time re-tying the laces. Aloud she cursed, "These damn things, I paid three hundred dollars for these shoes at Bloomies, and the damn laces won't stay tied" Opinions on the chain of events varied among the crowd, largely depending on their vantage point. One customer, a frequenter of the establishment did point out that she was not wearing underwear.