Don't Believe Anything You Read.
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Pet Psychic, A Fake
"This is a real blow to all of the legitimate pet psychics out there that read the minds of people's pets" says self proclaimed "Legitimate" pet psychic, Rita Bennett. She has shown incredible insight with readings such as "Your dog would be happy if you give him bacon right now." or, "Your dog does not like to go without water for days at a time." - she has yet to be wrong in her readings.
Patrick Haynard, President of Dial A Pet Psychic: "These valuable communications from pets to their owners via real pet psychics should not be overshadowed by this latest fraud."
Breakfast Cereal Makes it's Debut
"Colon Pow!" is set to land in your neighborhood grocery this month. The new cereal is a bold venture, in which fiber levels previously thought impossible have been achieved. "Don't make any plans" graces the top of the box, and on the back, consumers will be able to read words of wisdom and the inside scoop on current events from Secretary of State Colon Powel.
Natural Gas Study
In an effort to determine whether women do, in fact get gas - and possibly to the same levels as men, William Newman headed up a case study at the University of Michigan. "We have been going at this for weeks now, and can only arrive at two possible conclusions. A: Women don't get gas. B: Women do have gas, but refuse to release it and PMS and Bloating is merely a facade to cover up the true source of their mood swings. How irritable would you be, if you held it in for your entire life!?"
Shortly after our interview, Newman's body was found in a dumpster near the university with a Rat stuffed in his mouth. Homicide Officials are calling this an accident. Residents speculate fear.
Smuggling tunnel found between Mexico and California.
The FBI discovered a 400 yard underground smuggling tunnel between Mexico and California. The tunnel ran from a chicken ranch in Mexico, to a pig farm in southern California. "There is no telling how much these bastards have smuggled through this tunnel." said one Investigator.
Street values of chicken in the U.S. and pork in Mexico are expected to skyrocket following the illegal pipeline shutdown.
Agent Smith: "Thank goodness this tunnel wasn't between two drug houses, Lord knows what could have happened then!"
New Computer Book Takes Explanation to the Next Level.
"Computers for Complete and Total Drooling Fucking Morons" takes the stage this week at a bookstore near you. This new book gives insight on challenging topics such as "what is a mouse" and "how do I turn this on?"
This new book attacks mispronunciations such as "Winders" (windows) and "Ploppy Disk Set" (floppy diskette) No more will you have to endure then embarrassment of facing your company computer guy, when you are armed with "Computers for Complete and Total Drooling Fucking Morons"
Smurfs Cartoon Finds New Ridicule
"At first, we were only under attack for being communists on hallucinogens, but now we are accused of Bigamy and/or prostitution, can you believe that!?" Neither Pimpa Smurf nor Smurfette were available for comment, but are said to be spendin' cheese somewhere in Vegas.
Pee Wee Expanding
Paul Reubens to pursue latest venture - Pee Wee's Whorehouse, following massive failure of Pee Wee's Crackhouse and his patented "Bottomless Popcorn Bucket"
Game Show News
Women declared to have "significant advantage" when competing in fastest finger question. Producers currently looking into other options to even things out for men. Considerations are: Breaking things, Passing Gas, and shaking ketchup out of bottle.
Don't Eat That
Busted at Snack Factory - Hans Harding was caught on camera placing his genitals into a food machine on the assembly line, where he worked. The occurrence, dubbed "The Cracker Jack" was silenced by the prominent snack maker, until outside sources learned of another atrocity in the Cheese Wiz area of the plant, and the violations could no longer be contained. Representatives have yet to make comment.
Natural Prozac Alternative
Thousands of hours of research is about to pay off. Researchers have been looking into a completely natural alternative to the popular "sweet pill": Prozac, which it's use has grown astronomically, since Americans decided to feel sorry for themselves about everything. "We've tried everything, everything, and have been laughed out of many conventions with our untraditional research, but who's laughing now!?" said Dr. Wince, head of R&D at a San Diego firm.
"We have found equal to improved success in 97% of patients in case studies, where we hit them in the head with a hammer every 2 hours."
Weatherman apologizes for being wrong, breaks down during 7 day forecast, which he has not hit correctly once - in his 23 year career at Portland News station.
Adrenaline Junky No Longer Hip.
From this day forward, referring to one's self as an "adrenaline junky" is
just stupid. It used to be ok, when we weren't bombarded with the term
each time we see an episode of Cops or Ripleys, but now we are at a plateau with