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The New Chevy Impala - like a rock?

Test engineers gathered in Mesa, AZ to evaluate the new Impala from Chevrolet.  After days of tenuous road tests, dyno runs, 1/4 mile, top speed and auto-x runs, they determined the Chevy Impala was not a rock - It was a 10 ton boulder with wheels.  In response, Chevrolet announced their new commercial, "Kinda like a rock, except more like a whole bunch of rocks, but all combined into one big one.  It's cool."



Fabio Committed

More than two years after the fateful day, in which Fabio was hit in the face by a bird, while riding a roller coaster - he was watching baseball and witnessed a bird struck in mid air by a fastball.  As it exploded into feathers, Fabio is said to have hid under the table, shaking for hours.  Finally an ambulance was called and he was rushed to a local hospital.  "Fabio no like birdy, he make fabio hurt"  The doctor was reported to have said "What the hell  is up with this asshole?!" and promptly had him committed to an asylum.  With a window which overlooks a park frequented by pigeon feeding public, it is unlikely we will hear from Fabio for quite some time.



Travolta Recovers

John Travolta came down with a fever Saturday night and was in bed all day Sunday.  It was only a 24 hour bug, since he felt completely better by Monday morning.  When asked what he was going to do now, he replied, "I'm gonna strut"



Pool Hall Regulars Rally Against New Management
Pasadena, CA.  Regulars of Pete's Pool rallied against new rules and management after change of ownership.  The new rules stated that there would be no more lighters held in air during "metal ballads" as well as no more playing pool cue like guitar.  Jim "the chalker" Henry led the angry mob in protest of the new rules.  They all chanted "New Rules No More, Or We Will Walk Out The Door" while playing their pool cues like guitars, and their girlfriends held up their lighters in proud defiance of the new policy.


Management locked themselves in their office in fear of the mob, until finally their attention spans thinned out and the mob went about playing some foos ball and checking out the juke box.  When Management Staff came out of their offices, the mob re-convened and began to start playing their cues again, when Jim "the chalker" held up his hands, "Let's hear what they have to say!"


Mike Laramie stood before the mob and explained to them that they need not fear, that all of the following are still allowed at Pete's Pool:
Black band t-shirts, that have not been sold or washed since the 80's - Chicken walking around  the pool tables - Bragging about how good you USED to be - air keyboard during beginning of Van Halen's "Jump" - saying "Put your money where your mouth is" and slamming $1 on pool table - swearing after every shot - cigarette danglers from lip - unscrewing custom pool cue slowly, anytime facing off against someone in dispute - pool cues worth more than car - camouflage flap hats - keychains too large to fit in backpack.


After going over this large list of items, "The Chalker" thought a moment, stuck out his lower jaw and lip and proceeded to nod.  The mob followed his lead and each individual flexed and nodded, then chicken walked back to their tables.  One person put on some Van Halen, another looked for someone to unscrew his stick at, and on through the crowd, things went right back to normal.


Pete's Pool has been placed back on the market, if interested, call Mike Laramie at 987-555-5800.


This Just In: Limber Yoga Master comes out of closet, declares himself unisexual.


Def Comedy Jam Misleading

Hearing impaired man Herbert Sanchos is filing suit against the producers of Def Comedy Jam.  "Not a single subtitle, is this some kind of joke?"



New Marketing From Coors

After rigorous target marketing research, Coors plans to include wife beater t-shirts with 12 packs this summer. 



Al Qaeda Skyscraper Demolished.

The tent was reported to have blown right over, as an Army Ranger blew past it at 75mph in a HumV, or roughly 3 times the top speed of a camel. Al Jazeer, or whatever the hell they're called, reports the Al Qaeda Network plans to rebuild, but this time, they'll use extra long tent pegs.



Crouching Poodle Shutdown

The Crouching Poodle Restaurant busted by EPA, following scandal with local pet lodging facility.  For months now, employees have been spotted unloading dogs nightly from pet lodging and animal control vehicles.  "I just thought they had lots of pets" sobbed restaurant neighbor Stacy Zimmerman. "I only wish I would have reported them sooner." 

Officials are keeping a watchful eye out for similar instances of regulation violation at The Sitting Monkey.  "If I see some son of a bitch carrying a Monkey into this place, I won't be held accountable for my actions" said Officer Brown from his hideout near The Sitting Monkey Restaurant..

Next on the list of targets are The Panda, The White Tiger and Golden Dragon.