Don't Believe Anything You Read.
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Substantial Horsepower Attained.
A local Prelude driver, Joe Salado was reported to have "pushed the envelope" with performance mods to his car in Reno, NV. Modifications include: 8 pounds of performance stickers, "bat wing" spoiler, 20" wheels, Coffee Can Exhaust Tip, flourescent dashboard lights, 40 air fresheners and aluminum pedal covers. The sum of these impressive modifications brings him up to 500 horsepower.
Future modifications? An incredible 1000 horsepower increase from such items as seatbelt covers, clear brake lights, tinted windows and stereo equipment.
Breaking News: Palestinians chant a bunch of stuff, throw bottles, then run away
Pure Moods in New Venture
"We no longer wish to discriminate." said marketing director Franz Cwassoh, "Our new line will celebrate all moods!" Proposed CD titles include: 'Welfare Blues' - 'Today Sucks' - 'Broken Sprits' - and 'Suicide. an option.'
Therapy Book for "Pricks" with Napoleon Complex.
Dr. Rich Andrews, "This is a book for shallow bastards that can't look beyond their problems. Being short is nothing, nothing at all - but some people feel it is, and they have to be pricks, this book is for the pricks, not for the decent people who happen to be less than average in height."
Dr. Andrews gave us an exclusive
preview of the book, seen here, for the first time.
"Individuals with a Napoleon Complex (smallus anus) should step up to life - quit being whiny little bastards. Little things like heights shouldn't bother you. Your problems are small in comparison to many. Just a tiny bit of character would go a long way with you. Remember, baby steps to get through your problems. Just think of how brave Tiny Tim was. Gary Coleman and Emanuel Lewis conquered their problems and are leading successful lives full of wealth and fame to this day. Your problems will likely shrink, if you would stop dwelling on them. No amount of complaining is small enough to escape being annoying. Focus on good things like the fact that children's shoes are cheaper than adult's shoes, or that you shouldn't have to spend as much money on food as regular people. People only look down on you because of their vantage point, it's nothing personal. No matter what, you'll always be bigger than characters on Southpark. Mighty mouse went through doubting times, and look what happened to him! Remember, you have two tiny ears and one tiny mouth, that's telling you to listen more than you squeak Just go out to Little Caesars and get a small pizza, come home and spend a short time reading a book like Little Women, or watch Smallville or a Mini-Series. You'll feel better in no time at all."
Dr. Andrews studied at Harvard, and has helped people across the world with emotional, social and psychiatric ailments. Dr. Andrews is 7 feet tall.
Despite Promises of Virility, Rhino Penis Tastes like shit.
Rap Not Shallow, Says Fan
"Rap is'nt shallow, it's all about keeping it real" said Stevie Johnson while bouncing his fist off of the heart area of his chest. At first we were skeptical, but after listening to tracks like: Rump Shaker, Back That Ass Up, Zoom a Zoom and a Boom Boom, and Shake ya Ass, we saw things in a completely different light. Thanks Stevie!
Beef Found at McDonalds
Tampa, FL. An employee of the fast food chain spotted some beef in the establishment's soy freezer. At first, management did not believe the story, and proceeded to file for the employee's dismissal on grounds of dishonesty, saying, "That's yelling fire in a theater buddy, not even the constitution can save your butt from that!". When other employees confirmed the story, the manager investigated to find that there was, in fact beef in the freezer. As it turns out, this was a case of poor judgment on the part of the night cleaning crew. One of the workers had left a sandwich from a neighboring restaurant in the freezer, not knowing of the contraband status of beef. He sincerely apologized and was only written up. McDonalds offered sincere apologies to all parties disturbed by the misunderstanding, and vowed that beef will never find it's way into a McDonalds again.
This Just In: No psychic has ever won a lotto, retired on blackjack or called up person who wanted reading.