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Breaking News: Palestinians throw dirtclods at armed forces.
Candlelight Vigil To Be Held In Remembrance of Victims of Sept. 11 Attacks.
The geographic location chosen for this special vigil is a mountain range in Afghanistan, where a network of caves and caverns are currently occupied by surviving members of the Al Qaeda network. To assure it can be seen from the United States, it will be held at night - 2:00 AM, Eastern Standard Time.
There will be one thousand candles placed on the highest mountain's peak. Also, a significant amount of light will be generated by a 1 million megaton nuclear warhead placed at the same location.
Forecast for the area: 10,000 degrees and cloudy.
This just in: Horoscopes are Bullshit.
Radar Detector Detector Detector Detector makes it's debut.
Not to be outdone by the Radar Detector Detector Detector, Python electronics releases the Radar Detector Detector Detector Detector. For states that have laws against radar detectors, and against the devices that detect when a cop is detecting your radar detector. This device will detect the detector that detects your detector of their detector, and will then shut off your radar detector detector. Amazing.
Breaking News: Palestinians roll burning tire down hill, jump up and down afterward.
Movie Makers Hysterical
Hollywood, Thursday. An industry-wide meeting was called to announce the horrific discovery that there are no movies scheduled to come out next year - that have swords and crummy accents in them. No drawn out story about English kings, No Castles, No Dragons, No helicopter shots of some guy in Ireland on a hill - Nothing.
Emergency Medical Technicians and Social Workers were brought in before the meeting, just to be on the safe side, and it's a good thing. Because some guy died and they had to resuscitate him. Still no word on what will be pieced together in a last minute effort to continue the legacy of swords and crummy accents in movies.
NASCAR cancelled this weekend
Due to unexpected repairs that must be done on the track this weekend, NASCAR has cancelled this Sunday's race. When the public went into frenzy and bombarded ESPN's phone systems, NASCAR officials soothed the ecstatic callers by informing them they will be airing a 3 hour video tape, filmed through the glass door of a clothes dryer full of hotwheels and matchbox cars.
This Just In: Whistle Blower and Stock Analyst at EStockOptionsCorpOnline.com, Peter Wellson admits "We analysts don't have a f***ing clue."
NFL Players "Get Into It"
In an effort not to be outdone in the showboating arena, NFL officials have released a document encouraging players to get more creative when they score. Accompanying the release, is a video tape with countless soccer goals being scored, and the aftermath. Coaches have been instructed to integrate showboating into practices with activities like doing an airplane - where you put your arms out to the side and run up the field weaving back and forth like an airplane. Others were belly slides, and ripping off your uniform while screaming like a little girl. The players have yet to be seen performing these maneuvers publicly, but one source claims to have seen Brett Favre working on handsprings and cartwheels.