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Latest Attempt to Re-Introduce Gays into Boy Scouts Of America Fails.
A Panel of Silver Beavers, one of highest rankings in adult members of BSOA, turned down proposals of new merit badges Tuesday. Proposing men had hoped to increase potential of gays rejoining the Boy Scouts by offering merit badges: Glass Blowing, First Aides, Jean Mining, and the addition of an annual "My Wood Derby" to be held at locations across the US. "This was a grave mistake to turn us down" said Roy and friend Siegfried, "We're going to get to the bottom of this, and we'll travel any cavern we have to, in order to get these boys back in there!" In response, Silver Beaver Bob Tippits, "No gays or Canadians, that is our policy."
|First person in history eats entire order of curly fries without holding one up and saying, "Hey, look at this one!"|
Pat Sajak Refuses Study Participation
A study being done on human intelligence and it's relationship to head size got underway last Thursday. Lloyd Barton, who is heading up the project, "We got Dan Quayle easy enough, he thinks he's in astronaut training. But Sajak won't budge on the issue. This might not seem to be a problem to most people, but do you know how hard it is to track people down that have heads that fucking huge?"
New Public Safety Release
A release from the National Board of Safety, advises that people weighing over 400 pounds should avoid wearing colors similar to those of cotton candy, as well as fuzzy textures. This advice is meant specifically for frequenters of sports events, following the recurrence of fans mistaking people for team mascots. The cotton candy color avoidance is not so much of a safety issue, it is for the sake of everyone who has to look at them.
Professors Probe Speech Phenomenon
A crack team of 12 of the brightest professors at Yale University have convened to explore a phenomenon here in the United States. The objective of the meeting was to determine just how in the hell people get the pronunciation "Farve" out of the name Favre. Brett Favre, Quarterback of Greenbay Packers declined comment on the inquiry. Results have been quite disappointing, but the professors have not given up all hope. Current considerations are the fact that most people are as dumb as paint, with the exception of football fans.
Money De-Throned as King of Motivators
Money has long been thought of as being able to get people to do just about anything. While this is true, people have their limits as to what they will do for money. Things people will do for money pale in comparison to what people will do to get a guy to fire a pork wiener at them from an air powered bazooka during the halftime show at sporting arenas across the nation.
Wheel of Fortune contestant chooses R, S, T, L, N and E, despite incredible odds against choosing exact same letters in same sequence as the last contestant.
Camaro Driver Chokes on Mullet
In an exercise of masculinity and mulletude, Sven Feminson, aka "The Hammer" was working on his chicken walk to get himself stoked up for a race. Nearby, Jim Kafka waited in his VW, wondering what in the world was going on. "He kept doing burnouts in his car, then getting out and walking around his car over and over again, doing this chicken thing with his head and neck, all while carrying a Tall Boy can of Ice House and listening to AC/DC. I just waited patiently to race him, when he threw his fist forward at me, revved up his motor and screamed - Fear My Metal Face!" These were the last words of "The Hammer". During this last display of sheer dominance, his mullet got caught in his throat, and despite valiant efforts of local scene members, his windpipe could not be freed of the obstruction. "It was just too powerful" said local man and friend, Steve "Taz" Whimmer. A funeral procession will be held at the Knuckles Pub on 42nd street this Saturday. B.Y.O.B.
Meatloaf schedules World Tour with opening acts: mashed potatoes and gravy, biscuits and vegetable medley.
Pissing Calvins Unite.
There is a new movement on the horizon, led by Bubba Lawnbrow, "We're not just Calvins pissing on each other anymore" said the leader of a new movement, which is said to be sweeping the nation, "We already got shorted in our manhood upon birth, so we aren't going to stand for guys in sports cars taking away the babes we actually got" Another prominent figure on the scene, Kip Openhagen spoke out as well, "Some folks say we're all like predictable and unoriginal and stuff, now we're going to set the record straight"
Truck owners across the country are removing their old "Calvins pissing on other trucks" stickers, and replacing them with stickers of "Calvins pissing on sports cars".
Bad Boyz, No Fear, Aint Skeered and other stickers remain unchanged.
Civic Performance Enthusiasts to hold 5th annual Noodle Bake.
Events such as the "Weed Eater Sound-a-like" Contest, "Damn, dat shi bump" Stereo Competition and "Tint for Horsepower" Exhibitions are sure winners at this year's noodle bake. To ensure a good turn out, they will have 87 tow trucks on hand, to come and pick up your Civic to bring it to the show.