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Roots Hat Not Selling

This has been attributed to the ending of the 2002 Olympic Games.  Expect to see an increase in sales, as we near the 2004 Olympic Games in Athens, Greece.





Bin Laden Alive and Kidneys OK?

One of Bin Laden's 85 half brothers claims Bin Laden is still alive and is not suffering from kidney problems.  Bro Laden also confirmed that Bin Laden is a little bitch, and that he would like to beat him on the kidneys with a rock, holding resentments toward Bin for continually stealing his Jihad Joe action figures growing up.



This just in: Computer Guy Phrase, "Looks like a compatibility issue" is tech lingo for, "I don't have a f***king clue."



Sally Struthers - Latest Celebrity to Speak Out Against Terrorism

The Inn, Chicago.  Sally Struthers will be speaking to a crowd of gathered citizens on topics surrounding terrorism.  She will also be speaking about paralegal, small engine repair, computer operator, typist, assistant's assistant, private investigating, counselor, interior decorator, beautician, photographer, locksmith...



"Limited Edition" items such as chapstick and socks, not likely to be valuable someday.



Roseanne Barr Holds Press Conference

Tuesday, Roseanne Barr held a press conference to disclose her future plans - upcoming cameos, guest appearances, etc.  We don't actually have the details of her press conference, and have been unable to find any information as to what was disclosed, due to the fact that no one showed up.