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Man consoles recently broken up drunk woman without ulterior motive, at a toga kegger.  He also has a bridge for sale.



Indianapolis 5000 Makes it's Debut

ESPN and it's affiliates held a press conference yesterday, announcing the newest addition to motorsports events, The Indianapolis 5000.  It turns out, the group decided that guys driving in a circle for 5 hours just wasn't long enough.



Pulling face while opening pickle jar increases hand strength by 40%



Smith Receives Settlement

After the death of her tycoon husband, Anna Nicole Smith was awarded 1 million for every 5 pounds gained during her marriage.  This brings her total settlement to $88 million and some change.  Rosie O'Donnell has been hounding smith ever since she heard about the deal, wanting to know where she can sign up.



Parents threaten to have catholic priest baby-sit, if kids don't shape up.



Helfgott Not So Shiny

David Helfgott, who acquired massive fame from movie box office smash "Shine" has yet another complete breakdown.  It turns out, he was trying to describe taste of mustard, on a bet that he could not.  This pushed the limits of the his mind far beyond even pushing on piano keys with his fingers.  Witnesses claim he did get it out, though no one can recall just what he said.  Immediately after describing the taste of mustard with only words, he snapped and his body collapsed.  "He may be smart, but not too smart since becoming an eggplant" said hospital janitor, Bobby Fischer.



Daewoo voted best pile of crap for the money.



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It Takes A Village

Parents Opposing Other Parents - to hold annual conference.  "It Takes a Village to Raise a Child" will be this year's theme.  Workshops will be offered in neighbor convincing, friend manipulation, calling radio talk shows, and getting others involved in P.O.O.P.  Founding Members (shown above) Cowboy, Cop, GI, Construction, Indian and Biker will be present.



Olive Garden voted best undercooked pasta for 2nd year straight.