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Tobacco Companies Make Threats
West Virginia - Numerous tobacco companies gathered to release a statement to the nation. The statement was actually a threat - to "Stop flying planes overhead with the contents of cigarettes, or we will have no choice but to fly planes overhead with the contents of the following items: Hot dogs, Easy Cheese, Twinkies, Cheetos, Gelatin, Jack in the Box sauce, Cher and Michael Jackson."
Following this disturbing statement, the "Infect Truth" anti-tobacco project is reconsidering the campaign's methods.
Breaking News: Switzerland opposes Israel in latest act of neutrality.
This Just In: Doctor prescribes pack of Marlboros to mother with concerns of high birth weight.
Candy Maker Responds to Catholic Easter Protests
After receiving countless letters and harsh words from Catholic protestors, candy maker Paul Mavis changed his ways. The protestors claimed his business detracted from religious views, and Easter bunnies, baby chicks, chocolate eggs and the like - are distractions to the Catholic belief system.
Mavis empathized with them and could understand their point completely. He immediately ceased production of his traditional treats and plans to produce chocolate money, sugar winebottles and marshmallow altar boys. You can expect to see them on retailer's shelves by next Easter.
Hooker Parts Found in Pig Farm
Nebraska - Scipio County Police discovered the scattered remains of numerous prostitutes on a pig farm. The farm owner has been detained on numerous counts of murder. Forensic Investigators have spent countless hours of research to conclude, "There is a fairly good possibility they died a violent death" As a result of the incident, The Department of Food and Health advises consumers to use caution when purchasing Whoremel pork products in the area.
Vagina Monologues Hit Harlem
Rosie Perez, Salma Hayek, LisaGay Hamilton, Lynn Whitfield, Rapper Eve and others participated in the benefit to raise awareness about violence against women. "Tonight we begin to heal the women of Harlem" said Perez - who failed to acknowledge the fact that most Harlem women couldn't afford a damn ticket.
Guy Kicks Guy's Ass
After confronting a drunk and belligerent man in a bar, threatening to "kick his ass" if he didn't stop bumping into him with a pool stick, Bill Wilson was forced to act - upon being nudged "on purpose". "I kicked the bastard in the ass, but he turned around and beat me silly with a pool stick." said Wilson, through a myriad of bandages.
Guy Breaks Foot Off In Other Guy's Ass
Sam Swanson was rushed to University Hospital, after breaking his foot off in a man's ass in a bar fight - making good on an earlier threat. Swanson will now have a prosthetic leg, but claims he has no regrets. The other man is recovering at another hospital in the area, but is said to be in much better shape than Swanson.
Guy Rips Guy's Head Off, Shits Down Hole
In yet another instance of this peculiar chain of "first ever" threat follow-throughs, Michael Watt ended up ripping a guys head off to shit down the hole. This was after the victim would not stop talking in a Cinema Time Theater, and he violently threatened to rip his head off and shit down the hole. Watt is facing life imprisonment in The Oklahoma Institute for the Criminally Insane.
Breaking News: Saying "SHHHHHH!" found to be much louder than the initial noise that caused the person to say it.
The only downside to "Panic Room" is the fact that it was total crap.
Panic Room Review - don't click link if you plan to see it.