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Breaking News:  Facial piercing increases one's level of toughness, as it is not likely they will actually get in a fight, but will engage in glares and chest puffing continually.



Last American Informed of Low Interest Rates.

Boston - It is official - Every single American is now aware of the current interest rate situation.  So aware, in fact, that being informed about low interest rates has lost it's thrill.  Even panhandlers are giving advice on taking advantage of current interest rates at this point, and we see no decrease coming to the 10 times per day we must endure someone talking about low interest rates, and spinning off historical financial data they heard on CNN but have not one fucking clue what it means.



Breaking News: New study shows that 90% of studies don't mean a fucking thing.



Manhunt Escalates

Washington - FCC Officials have dispatched another 200 agents across the US, on a manhunt for the person who first used the phrase, "pulled a boner".  This came after the powerful realization that this is the stupidest expression ever stated by a human being in the entire history of our existence.  No information has been released as to the consequences faced by the phrase inventor, but sources heard one agent clearly state, "They are in for some serious shit."



Breaking News: Things that cause cancer in state of California, could possibly do the same thing in Texas, and other states.




Colorado: Phil "Skyjacker" McCloud, an oversized truck enthusiast, drove up into the hills to go camping with buddies.  After drinking some beer, they reportedly picked up several heavy objects, and put them back down again.



Dodge Neon Suspicions Confirmed

Wednesday 5:22 PM, Washington D.C. - after much deliberation, officials confirmed that despite the implications of speed from monstrous racing stripes on Dodge Neon's across the country - they, in fact, are not fast.  This dispels the theory Dodge had that adding huge racing stripes on a car will increase horsepower.  Following the investigation, Dodge announced it's plan to put even larger racing stripes on future models.