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  New Weight Loss Pill, Ded-Phed To Hit Shelves

Ded-Phed, a breakthrough in weight loss medication makes it's debut this month. 

Possible side effects include, but are not limited to: mild stomach pain, dryness of mouth, sleeplessness, lightheadedness, drowsiness, nervousness, fatigue, extreme stomach pain, rectal discomfort, urinary incontinence, constipation, diarrhea, abdominal cramps, rupture of the colon, facial bleeding, acne, testicular infection, memory loss, heart attack, stroke, shortness of breath, suffocation, enlarged prostate, brain damage, seizure, paralysis, ugliness, cancer and aids.

Side effects are similar to that of a sugar pill.



Vatican "Harsh" On Sexual Criminals

The Pope had strong words for the sexually deviate, criminal bastards who have tarnished the catholic name since January.  "The fact that this has been going on for at least several decades is beside the point" said one representative, "Our focus is the recent bad publicity brought on the church"


"Extremely Harsh" punishments have been passed down to the violators, such as being able to continue their ministry with little consequence, and not going to jail, or trial.  The Vatican also passed on some guidelines for behavior to the collared criminal assholes.


"The fact that people have known about this for a very long time, and that we've been supporting the wine guzzling sexual offenders hardly matters now, as we are taking steps to see that this kind of information doesn't go public again." said representative, Father Aspound.



Candlelight Vigil for Winona Ryder

A candlelight vigil will be held this Friday to offer support to Winona Ryder, in this difficult time of having too many millions of dollars and fame and good looks and health.  Such a difficult time, in fact, that she made the cry for help by shoplifting a few months ago.  Participants offer their deepest sympathies to her, and hope that this will motivate her to get a fucking clue.