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Latest Statistics Are In

Statistical analysis indicates approximately half of all people are below average.  This may not be true, however, since nearly half of all statistical studies are inaccurate by as much as 50%

Atlanta Police Scooting Out Crime The police of the traffic ridden city of Atlanta are testing scooters as a viable means of chasing criminals.  A two month trial period using the $9,000 gyroscopic scooters will determine if they are to be a permanent part of the police war against crime. "We are going to chase crime away by any means necessary" said one police officer, atop his shiny new ride, which he named "Black Sunshine". Next month, tests begin on the use of bigwheels, tricycles and pogo-sticks.

Even More Breaking News from The Vatican:

Vatican Officials say it's ok to bugger an altar boy repeatedly, as long as you are not "Notorious" for doing so.  This, in a rejection of Zero-Tolerance of sexual crimes against minors.  The motion rejection, dubbed "Altar-Gate" has drawn strong opposition across the globe.

One group of critics released the following statement:

"We had thought Church officials would quit while they were ahead in saying they would do all they could to stop these pricks from sexually violating minors, but let's face it folks...we are talking about leaders who very recently thought the Earth was flat."

Yasser Kisses Up Arafat attempts to show his "Western Influence" by fashioning his head wrap thing in to the shape of a cowboy hat.