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Breaking News:

Scientists find correlation between extremism and having an ass for a face.



Publisher's Clearinghouse Pays Settlement

Los Angeles - Attorney James Jensenson has filed suit against Publishers Clearinghouse, on behalf of stupid people across America.  In this suit, a settlement of 1.4 billion dollars has been awarded for reparations of shattered hopes, and for taking advantage of "substandard individuals".

To opt-in on the suit and receive your portion of the settlement, simply provide at least 2 envelopes from each of the last 10 years, that have been sent to you by Publisher's Clearinghouse.  You must present this evidence to receive compensation, and it must be postmarked today.  Remaining proceeds will go to the Jensenson Law firm.



Breaking News:

Results released from study indicate 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.



Photographic Break-Through

"Marvel of Modern Science" - the Pill Camera takes 2 pictures per second on 8 hour trip from your mouth to your butthole.  Snapshots could take family photo albums to a much more personal level than previously thought possible.



Gene Pool Awareness Week

Los Angeles - At the 5th annual Gene Pool Awareness Week gathering, Skydiving was voted "Best Recreational Activity" for slow learning, poor manual dexterity, inbred individuals.  They are encouraged not to allow their shortcomings to stop them from trying such things.



Privacy Violation Suit

Legal representatives of Miles Jones contacted the media Tuesday, giving information on a suit against Jones' neighbor and retired millionaire William H. Douthan.  Douthan reportedly disclosed "very private, personal details of Jones' lifestyle" to 3 residents of remote Carbon City, Idaho.  Further coverage and details of all that led up to the suit can be seen on NBC Nightly News next Thursday.



Breaking News: Tobacco No Longer Alone - Viagra now officially banned from National Baseball League.