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Oil supply may cap as early as 2010, say sources

Washington - Upon hearing the assessment of petroleum supply experts, Officials scramble to find a taxable energy source to fill the critical demand of resources.  Early proposals include taxation of sunlight, as well as air, as it contains oxygen.  Board members are also looking into the taxation of water, for its bounty of hydrogen and oxygen - both prime candidates for a replacement energy source.  The leader of the alternative energy source committee was unavailable for comment, as he was picking out his new suburban.


Experts Give Probable Cause in Refinery Explosion

Victorville, CA - Following a gas refinery explosion, experts suggest the probable cause of the tragic mishap was likely "Some sort of gas leak which was somehow ignited by something."  Refinery owners have shown significant appreciation to the experts for their assessment, saying, "Thank goodness we have experts to investigate tragedies such as this, who knows where we would be without them."



This Just In: Sneaking up slowly to scare the ever living shit out of a little kid, is an asshole thing to do.



Homeless Pledge To Do Their Part

Las Vegas - Sources indicate homeless individuals are doing their part to conserve, in the midst of a severe water shortage that plagues the western United States. 

"These people look like they haven't showered in months!" said one source, who also noted: "This kind of sacrifice shall not go unnoticed."



Breaking News: Impotence forces Catholic Priest into retirement.



This Just In: Caller captivates talk radio audience by informing them they are a first time caller, long time listener.



FAVC Mandates Restrictions

In fear of 80's "butt rock" making a return to popularity, the Federal Auditory Violation Committee mandates restrictions that the words "tonight" and "baby" cannot be used within a 2 sentence proximity of each other.  This restriction has been placed on all future album releases, here in the US.  Talks with Canada are underway, but Canadian sources doubt an agreement will be reached anytime soon, as this comprises 90% of their gross national musical production.



This Just In: Nevada Police Officer, Mitchell Fike forced to remove 2x2 foot sticker of the number 3, and the nick name "the intimidator" just beneath it.  Thus far, Fike has been resistant to department demands.



Breaking News: Darrell Strawberry takes position as "catcher" in state penitentiary following sentencing.