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Breaking News: Recent study indicates that criminals who have gone to prison are likely to commit further crimes.  This news comes as a complete shock, as most people felt entirely comfortable and trusting around people who have been stabbing and raping other guys for a few years.

This Just In: Environmental Extremists push for less restrictive open container laws, to prevent drunk drivers from throwing their bottles out windows.

Gates Does His Part After the release of a white paper, concluding that Bill Gates' sneeze is worth more than the total assets of Terrorist and Al Qaeda leader Bin Laden - Gates reportedly sneezed toward Mecca repeatedly. Gates also plans to ship several Windows 95 based computers to Al Qaeda leaders, to hamper their operations.

Unique Light Saber Stands Out Samuel L. Jackson's light saber made to stand out from the crowd, with options such as a purple blade, gold trim, hydraulic suspension and curb feelers, fans can easily recognize him in the crowd of saber swinging Jedi.

Travel Agencies form Synergy

In a synergy of resources and efforts, several Boston travel agencies have set out to convince would-be tourists to pay them money, in exchange for overseas travel, and breathtaking views of the inside of a hostage cell.

Shoe Maker Receives Praise

Atlanta - A major shoe manufacturer has received praise for their ingenuity.  This came as a result of being able to fit 45 foreign workers into a 2x2 foot workspace.  "Our studies have indicated that choosing children and malnourished people as workers, we can fit many more into a small space, than we could if we used real people." said a company spokes person.  The company also plans to implement physical torture as a motivator for sub-par employees who lack the energy and proficiency, due to starvation.

"They don't need food, they need a dream" said one corporate planner.

Breaking News: Jihad going pretty well for all 8 of the remaining Al Qaeda and Taliban members.

Federal Government Encourages Vacations

Washington - in a public release, the Federal Government and the Department of Defense encourage US citizens not to let terrorist threats stop them from taking their summer family vacations.  However, caution is given on destinations that involve leaving the country, flying, traveling by boat, or by car.  The release suggested avoiding public places, cities and buildings.  Colon Powell himself offered some suggestions of tourist destinations which have been largely overlooked, such as the basement or the back yard during daylight hours.