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Eminem - Latest Release and Protests

White Rapper Eminem (M and M for Marshall Mathers) cuts record about being picked on and hated by politicians and elite business men, which he claims try to keep him down.  In response, a panel of politicians and elite businessmen reportedly said, "Who?"

 

Episode II Hype Brings Backwoods Folks out

In the frenzy of Star Wars, Episode II hitting theaters across the globe, a group of country folk have decided to show the rest of the world that anyone can use "The Forth" 

May Fellman, "We been uthing the forth for yearths. The forth ith good fur lotth of thingth, not justh uthing lightsaberth"  Sources have yet to find any single correlation between this and Star Wars, but remain hopeful.

 

 

This Just In: Ja Rule forced into retirement, upon being cured of constipation.

 

Airfares at all time low

Plane ticket prices are now at an all time low, according to sources.  This price cut comes as a result of the fact that people are no longer allowed to actually get on the fucking plane.

 

 

Breaking News: Some guy at some big company receives some plaque from some politician for making a "soft money" contribution to their campaign.  The plaque reads "Best Business 2002"

 

 

MSN and Qwest Build Alliance

The two internet giants have entered a strategic partnership, in order to insure that dialup modem users can neither get their homepage to load, or connect to the internet in the first place.

"By reducing the number of users who can connect, we can cut our costs dramatically." said one spokesperson.  The alliance also plans to offer inexpensive home computers, in exchange for signing an eternal contract with the internet service providers.

 

This Just In: Tiger Woods will be unable to meet with press this morning.  This follows circumstances of a speech writer catching the flu.