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This Just In: Wearing an "I want to believe" t-shirt with a silk screened UFO on it is damn stupid.



Gateway Computers Owner Denies Perverse Accusations

The owner of Gateway Computers has denied accusations that he is a gay man with a bestiality fetish.

This follows the cancellation of Gateway's "Whip it" commercial, featuring the owner and his cow singing a song about masturbation.  "The fact that they sing Devo's 'Whip it' is offensive enough, but to bring a cow into the mix is just disgusting" said Maine resident, Gladys Humboldt.



Canadian Toilet Smuggling Ring Flushed Out

The U.S. has beefed up their Canadian border patrol in midst of severe water shortage in the United States.

For years, U.S. residents have coveted and sought the Canadian toilets, which boast 3.5 gallons of flushing power, outperforming their 1.6 gallon counterparts in the U.S., which have been mandated by EPA restrictions.

Secretary Donald Rumsfeld: "They may be able to smuggle drugs into our country, and even bring in mulleted hockey fans, but make no mistake...not a single useful toilet will cross our borders."



Movie Theater Faces Charges

Cineland Theaters, upon an even further increase in movie theater popcorn prices,  is currently facing a barrage of charges from state officials.  As it turns out, Cineland has broken laws in several states, with Idaho heading up the charges.  Officials have said the law is crystal clear on the issue, that sodomy is simply not legal within their state borders.