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Breaking News: Green Party Candidate puts out 12,000 flyers in windstorm.
This Just In: Los Angeles Gangsta threatens to nut in a guy's eye, and then doesn't do it.
AMERICA AT ALL-TIME LOW
It has been officially declared that America is now at an all-time low. So low, in fact, that people are actually paying money for CD's which feature this thing rapping about her ass going "Boom Ba Boom Boom" as well as numerous other sexual phrases which conjure mental images nothing short of gag-inducing.
The Fed is considering a full point rate cut with hopes to jolt us back into some sort of rational mode of existence - but many critics speculate "Not even Greenspan can help us now"
|SNIPER NEWS: Penitentiary Inmates Line Up for Next Set of Sniper Probings|
Few Answers Regarding Teen Phenomenon
Detroit, MI - At a sell-out rap concert, hundreds of teens reportedly waved their hands in the air, as if they didn't care. The occurrence remains unexplained and has thus far completely baffled investigators and researchers who have referred to the Phenomenon as "Borderline Paranormal" Researchers have made some headway in dismissing any connections to Nazi behavior, but no other conclusions have been made at this time.
Breaking News: Even more shit blew up in the middle east!
CNN SNIPER ANNOUNCEMENT:
CNN Spokesperson Jim Fitzimmons addressed a panel of "self-righteous pricks" Sunday, saying: "Our profilers were dead accurate on the sniper's characteristics. He had a gun, knew how to shoot it and was willing to kill people - all of which were pointed out by our crack team of profiling specialists. And to those who criticized our speculations?...How do you like me now?!"