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This Just In: Tampa based Jewish organization files suit against several major coaster manufacturers in recent spree of anti-Semitic legal battles.
Earnhardt Jr. Not As Fast As His Dad
Despite holding numerous records for product sales, sponsorships and salary among stock car drivers - Dale Earnhardt Jr. is not as fast as his dad was.
Earnhardt currently holds 11th place in points and is not likely to adopt a nickname such as "The Intimidator" anytime soon.
Breaking News: Man caves, purchases SUV upon being offered free hotdogs
American Non-Idol Busted
American Idol non-winner, Justin was reportedly caught on camera singing "Moments Like This" at a Houston karaoke bar.
The second shelf runner-up reportedly offered much resistance when asked to let someone else have a turn, and is said to have insulted several bar workers about their opinions, before allowing the next person in line to have their turn.
This Just In: Seattle man's plan to talk about his penis fails to lure women at local kegger.
MTV Preps Viewers for 8Mile
MTV has committed to prepping teens across the nation for the premier of 8mile starring Marshall Mathers, aka Eminem aka Slim Shady.
Numerous specials have been aired to induce such thoughts as "Poor Multi, Multi-Millionaire"
"Teens have been surprisingly responsive to our efforts" said one MTV representative, "It's no small task to make a generation feel sorry for someone with more money than they will ever fucking see in their lifeti... are you recording this?"