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Costas Offers Insight
Renowned sportscaster, Bob Costas speculates that the Los Angeles Lakers will have to play both offense and defense, if they want to have a good season.
He also speculates that they will need to shoot in order to score.
Electric Toothbrush Manufacturer Shuns Ridicule
The Jealous Husbands Association of California (JHAC) assembled in protest against an electric toothbrush manufacturer. Their statement, "These guys are driving us out of the bedroom" stemmed from the supposedly "perverse" shape of electric toothbrush handles. In a release issued by the manufacturer, Phil McGowan, President, stated, "Our company, 'Personal Treasures' prides itself upon providing superior oral care products, nothing more." A public exchange between the parties will be held at the Adult Novelties convention in Sacramento next week.
Movie Theaters Offering Handguns
In response to thousands of movie-goer's complaints about Madonna's latest acting venture "Swept Away", movie theaters across the country will be offering whisky and handguns in addition to popcorn, red vines and gumdrops at concession stands.
Pontiac Sales Up, Import Sales Down
Pontiac, MI - Sales of Import cars in the area have sunk to an all time low. A poll was conducted in the area and here is what residents had to say:
"Why would you buy anything but a Pontiac? Those imports always get gashes in all 4 tires and that's not covered by road hazard" - Sue Broadbank, Receptionist, Pontiac
"Those imports have crappy paint jobs, the paint always falls off in shapes of obscenities, it's ridiculous. I saw a VW the other day, where the paint fell off in the shape of the words: 'Die Kraut Car Buyer!'" - Jim Jones Mechanic, Chrysler Dealer
"Imports are crap! Their emergency brakes don't work, and they keep rolling into lakes around here." Ron Jacobsen, Union Member
Winona to Serve Community
In the worst atrocity since Ally McBeal, Ryder will be forced to perform community service for her recent grand theft felony conviction of crying for help while having a bank account most would kill several people for.
Defense attorney Mark Geragos objected strongly, citing several offenders who were not forced to go through with the degrading experience of serving the community.
Harding Proposal Turned Down by IOC Officials.
Tonya Harding entered a proposal to revise the "allowable list of items" for Olympic Figure Skating Competitions. Noteworthy items on the list include: Lead pipes, hubcaps, easy cheese and ether. When questioned about this bizarre proposal, Harding stated, "I'm out of my prime, my trailer payment is late, my porn is not selling and I need an edge, and I'm not talking about skates."
Several of the IOC staff were spotted after the rejection purchasing knee pads, kevlar jackets and hockey masks. Harding said she will continue pursuing a second home video, shooting scenes nightly, when she gets off of work at Hanks Drive In.
Switzerland Joins United Nations
"By joining the UN, we can further emphasize our completely neutral status in the world." said Swiss official.
In a desperate attempt to regain ground in the heated debate over non-dolphin safe fillet's on an International Hamburger chain's menu, the company pursued a campaign to change the way the world thinks of seafood. "We are pioneers, setting out to create a new paradigm in this world." spokesperson Judy Calloway said in an interview, "No one has taken the time to weigh nutritional benefits of Dolphin, we are the first." Though efforts and expenditures were massive to say the least, the campaign only found audience in rural areas of Japan and with scattered tribes in extreme North America. "I just can't eat Dolphin" said Wilma Livingston, La Jolla Resident. Butch Thompson of Reno, NV stated, "That's bullsh*t, and when I see that son of a b*tchin clown, I'm gonna have somethin to say about it"
Vermont Wife Still Not Turned On.
After 43 years of marriage, the site of husband shaking his wiener at her through the shower curtain gap still does not turn her on.
New Orleans resident outraged at "Mammy" nickname.
Lisa Rodham protests to her community with signs and some very loud yelling. "Just because I'm a black woman in the south, doesn't give people the right to call me Mammy! Everyone calls me Mammy, I don't hear anyone else being called Mammy. Even other African Americans call me Mammy" When asked to summarize her feelings about her widely used nickname, she exclaimed, "It aint fittin, it just aint fittin!"