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Prada Sales Down, With Introduction of New Clothing Displays

"We've worked hard to develop the most expensive clothing possible and have yet to determine the cause of our flagging sales" said Pierre Croissant, clothing designer for Prada International.



Pin Trading Police Officer Loses It, Trades Badge for Original Green Jello.

Spectators at an Olympic Sanctioned pin trading event witnessed a Salt Lake City Police Officer "going over the edge" Tuesday.  "Officer Wall stood in front of a pin board for nearly 45 minutes without budging, he just stared at an Original Issue Green Jello pin, centered in a myriad of NBC's, Fry Sauces and Gateway Bobsledding Cows." said a dealer at a nearby table, "Then he started to quiver, tremble, shake and sweat like he was going to explode!"  Julie Lewis stood nearby, "I was really concerned about him, I kept asking 'are you ok officer' but he wouldn't respond, he was scary!" 


The unanimous report among spectators was that Wall finally snapped, ripped the Police badge off of his uniform and slammed it on the table with all his might.  "I'll take it!" exclaimed Wall.  "Take what?" said the nervous dealer, through a mouth full of Fritos.  "THE JELLO!  IT'S MINE!"  With that, he grabbed the 2002 Olympic Games Green Jello Pin and released a deep groan of sheer delight as he stabbed the pin into his torn shirt.  The pin dealer, Marty Beesley, called this the "Trade of a Lifetime".


When questioned by noNewZ staff, X-Officer Wall exclaimed, "What can I say?  I'm a pinner, it's what I am, and if that's bad, then I don't want to be good"

Wall has scattered what remains of his possessions and is heading to Greece to prepare for 2004, "The 830 days to go pin is already out!" he said, while straightening his Roots Beret and SLOC Jacket.


In only three days following the trade, Officer Beesley increased Olympic pin fraud arrests in the valley by an astonishing 800%. 


Anti-Death Penalty Lobbyists Offer Alternative

Several Washington lobbyists rallied in our nation's capitol Thursday, proposing sentencing alternatives to death row inmates.

The proposal entailed the addition of a 30 day sentence in which the inmate must occupy a cell with a television playing re-runs of V.I.P., allowing them the opportunity to kill themselves, rather than being put to death.

The demonstration was largely uneventful, but several congressmen were said to be "listening"


Security Guard Frisks Self, Finds Contraband.

Mesa, AZ, Security Guard Mike Walcott found contraband in his jeans pocket on Friday.  "It's a disgrace, finding things like this" said Walcott.  Despite pleadings from his wife and three children, he refused to "cut a deal"  This was following the banning of fingernail clippers in the Phoenix Airport, where Walcott works as an X-ray security technician.


Politicians Shatter Record

In a record breaking week, only three politicians have had to deny allegations of any kind.

Critics attribute the lull to misdirection, with so much attention being focused on a handful of screaming Muslims in the middle-east, but remain hopeful that this may be a sign of change.


Computer goes down on Condit.

After Gary Condit's computer went down on him Tuesday.  He immediately called his computer tech to come out and look at it.  The tech told him everything appeared to be just fine.  Condit exclaimed, "If I'd have known computers could do this, I would never have chased women"