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Damon To Assist Affleck Once Again

Following J.Lo's demands and legally binding series of fines imposed, if she receives sex less than 4-5 times per week, Affleck calls on Damon to assist his career once again.

"He was solely responsible for me becoming famous and should shoulder some of the burden" said the secretive pay-offer sexiest man of the year.

P.Diddy or whatever his name is this week, will not been taken up on the hundreds of offers to assist in the matter.



Breaking News: Countries that end in "stan" to celebrate un-pronounceable holiday, in remembrance of something that could not have happened due to it being impossible.


Breaking News:

6.4 Earthquake Hit's Butt Fucking Egypt, impacts no one, anywhere, in any way




Bigfoot Creator Dies
Rick Walton, sculptor of "big feet" and inventor of the legend "Bigfoot" passed away Thursday.  He was 94 and crazy.
The Bigfoot legend has fascinated people around the world since Walton invented him in the 1950's, and has been the life pursuit of many explorers to find the real Bigfoot, prove it's existence and get rich from it.
In remembrance of the late prankster, one group of Bigfoot hunters vows to "Keep lookin' for it"


This Just In: Vegas man in mid-20's plans to purchase bumping system with next tax return, naive teens anxious to hang out with him, once he gets it.


Scope Targets Homeless
With unemployment rates soaring and consumer's shopping carts containing mostly just essentials these days, Scope sets it's sites on the panhandled dollar this season, a sector previously untapped.
Advertising budgets have been pulled from television spots and are being allocated for ads on park benches, under viaducts and behind dumpsters.
The mouthwash giant also plans to dispatch scope dealers to inner-city parks of every major metro area of the U.S. - handing out free samples to homeless alcoholics "who need something to keep warm"
"If we give the the first one free, they'll be back for more" said Milton Schultz, scope dealer in Detroit.


Al Qaeda Threatens "Terror Gift" Is On It's Way

The FBI has issued a national alert, following an announcement from Al Quaeda leaders that they will be giving the United States a "Terror Gift".

Investigators are still speculating on what the gift will be, but sources say it could be a cracker and cheese basket, bad neck ties or possibly a cheap fruit cake.