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Archive from Iraq Wartime in the United States

 

 

BAGHDADAMY!

 

Liberated Iraqi Citizens Give France, Germany and Russia the Finger

 

 

 

This Just In: Hollywood to hold candle light vigil for screaming, cheering, celebrating Iraqis.

 

Gore Responds To Chicks

Al Gore, responding to the backlash the Dixie Chicks have received following their anti-Bush remarks, stated, "I can't believe they were made to feel un-American for their beliefs."

Gore then went on to suggest that we should just put parental advisory stickers on the Dixie Chicks like he and Tipper's campaign in the early 90's, in attempt to ban hardcore rap music.

 

Breaking News: Pearl Jam singer Eddie Vedder, Pissed - Upon Hearing News Of Iraqi Celebration - vows to consequence America by not making music anymore.  Sources were unaware he still made music.

 

 

Germany Wants "Say" in Post-War Iraq Flag Design

The German government has demanded that it be the country to choose the post-war flag for Iraq.  The Freedom Coalition has strongly opposed this gesture by German leaders, citing similarities in design to the flag that flew the last time Germany supported a Murderous Dictator.

In response, the German government released this proposed design, in an attempt to "Clear up any questions" regarding their intentions.

 

 

Breaking News: Putin Vows To Take Iraqi Oil "At All Costs" - threatens action against US and UK forces, if they don't allow Russia to invade post-war Iraq and participate "in their own looting"

 

 

France Wants It All

In a much anticipated move, France declares it "Wants Everything" in post-war Iraq.  "Oil, Money, Land, Everything...We Want it all, you silly little fools!" Says French Prime Minister, "Those filthy Iraqi civilians deserve Nothing... It is We who have made the sacrifice of tolerating you"

 

Breaking News:

Volkswagen/Audi/Porsche Declare Blitzkrieg on Post-War Iraq Auto Industry

 

Abu Dhabi Doo!

A prominent Iraqi news station shows it's acceptance of change, as the inevitable outcome of Operation Iraqi Freedom becomes more clear with each passing day.

"Abu Dhabi Doo will show the world we love to be like the west" said Mohammad, a camera man for the network.

Though much anti-western sentiment will exist in the region for quite some time, characters like Abu Dhabi Doo should help mend old wounds and bridge gaps to a brighter tomorrow.

 

 

Breaking News: Russia, France to send in ice skating judges for un-biased investigation into chemical and biological weapons in Iraq.

 

 

Schwarzenegger to purchase M1A1 Abrams

After being the first civilian "Hum Vee" owner, Schwarzenegger raises the bar with a deposit on an M1A1 Abrams.

The M1A1 will not be available until a post-war sell-off of military assets, so Schwarzenegger will have to wait several days before receiving his new urban assault vehicle.

 

 

Saddam/Soddom... Potato/Potahto?

After renaming "Saddam International Airport" to "Baghdad International Airport" and receiving an overwhelmingly positive response, US officials plan to rename anal sex "Baghdadomy"

 

 

This Just In: Rumsfeld receives insight on strategic operations and tactical maneuvers from "first time caller, long time listener" of AM talk radio program

 

 

 

Breaking News: French offer of nasal voice encryption and infidelity weapons refused by US Department Of Defense

 

 

 

 Friendly fire "not so friendly" according to Russian diplomat

 

 

 

This Just In: "Jehovah's Fitness" IPO pushed to Q3 - Insiders site weakness in sector, as Americans receive cardio-workout while enduring endless news loops on CNN.

 

 

 

This Just In: Iraqi Republican Guard Members Exchange Martyrdom and 7 Virgins for Hershey Bar.

 

 

 

Breaking News: Prolonged weed shortage has impacted the US anti-war movement tremendously - Reuters

 

 

 

Ted Kennedy Does "180" -  Pushes for War Support

"I knew from the beginning that either myself or public opinion polls would reverse themselves, and with polls holding firmly in support of fighting terror overseas, rather than waiting for it to come to US soil, I have no choice but to make a political move at this time." 

Kennedy's 180 has already had significant impact, as many of Kennedy's followers have now returned their American Flags to upright positions.

 

 

 

This Just In: Saddam followers release latest video from archives, including never before seen footage of Saddam in multiple surroundings and situations.

 

 

 

 

Tour Sponsors Soil Themselves on Pearl Jam News

Pearl Jam singer Eddie Vedder reportedly bashed President Bush's face into the stage after brutally impaling it with a microphone stand at an Australian venue.

 

"This was an act of passivity in the pursuit of peace" says Vedder, who's career has lagged in recent years due to American's decision to stop buying music of has-been's which sounds like it is coming out of an ass.

 

"Not even Neil Young can save him now" said Spence Wilson, Vedder's former heroin dealer.

 

Pearl Jam sponsors are hard pressed to come up with something fast and is rumored to be in talks of "going with it"

 

 

 

Breaking News: Powell Defeats Formidable Turkish Ambassador In Gangsta Battle

 

 

 

Black Mask Joins Coalition of the Willing

The U.S. has reached a significant milestone today, as they have recruited the power and skills of the notorious "Black Mask"

 

The Black Mask has not been seen since he single handedly destroyed the mob in issue #147 and was rumored to have died several years ago, that is until his recent enlistment in the US Army, which came shortly after he was motivated by an "Army Of One" commercial.

 

"With the Black Mask on our side, there is no reason we cannot obliterate Baghdad entirely, and do so inside of a week" said Donald Rumsfeld at a Monday press conference.

 

 

 

Breaking News: Basically the same things happened again, except for that there was some more of it.

 

 

Breaking News: Palestinian official threatens "Imminent Jihad" if McDonalds doesn't bring the McRib to area franchises.

 

 

Breaking News: French protestors Block electric light parade at Euro Disney

 

 

 

WAR IN HOLLYWOOD

An outbreak of war has occurred in Hollywood, according to PNN embedded reporters.  The war apparently escalated from a group of celebrities fighting over who will star in movies based on Operation Iraqi Freedom. Soon thereafter, hundreds of producers reportedly became involved in the conflict - arguing over production rights "dibs".

Uma Thurman interrupted the battles in attempt to bring order to the situation, saying, "This war is nonsense... Hollywood will not approve, condone, or become involved in this war until it is time to actually make some serious cash off of it...  to argue over this now is just silly... there should be plenty of money to go around!"

 

 

 

This Just In: "Dixie Chick" panhandling reports confirmed.

 

 

 

Anti-War Protestor Speaks - Following Revelation of Socialist Funding and Organization of Protests

Missy Alger of San Francisco has spoken out publicly regarding recent discovery that many large anti-war protests in the U.S. were funded by socialist anti-American organizations with aim at the downfall of the United States.

 

"Well, the Smurfs are communists and look how happy they are!" proclaimed Alger, amid her chanting peers, "I mean, Bush is like, Gargamel and stuff... and we all just want to sing and be happy and free in the woods."

 

English translation unavailable at this time.

 

 

 

Bowling for Career Suicide

What's his face, director of the independent film, Bowling For Columbine - spoke out against President Bush, calling the war in Iraq a "Fictitious War" at the single most important global event, the Oscars.  What's his face, "booed" off of the stage by attendees of the vital event, reportedly plans to hang out with the Dixie Chicks this weekend, where they will plan funeral arrangements for their short lived careers.

 

 

This Just In: Anti-War Protestors stay home today.  Sources site weed shortage.

 

 

Breaking News: Iraqi soldiers fire guns into water in strategic recovery of non-existent pilots of non-existent plane reportedly downed over Baghdad in propaganda news.

 

 

Protestors Help Al Qaeda, Terrorist Groups

Thousands of protestors have gathered across the nation in protest of the war in Iraq, and with hopes to consume police and military resources - increasing the odds of a successful terrorist attack on US soil.

Three members of Al Qaeda reportedly thanked the protestors for their efforts and will do what they can to assure their efforts are not in vain.

 

Breaking News: France sucks cock.

 

This Just In:

Arafat chooses moment with focus on Iraq to quietly turn down offer to appear on "Am I Hot"

 

 

In response to dependence on international oil, GM Announces alternative fuel car powered by celebrity bullshit.

 

 

Breaking News: Remnants of the Iraqi regime sends "clear message" to United States:  "If the U.S. continues it's attack on Iraq, we will have no choice but to use the weapons weapons of mass destruction, which we don't have."

 

 

Flower Girl Pissed Off
Portland - Shea Hansen has yet to find gun barrel to stick flower in. "I've walked around the city all day and haven't found a single gun barrel to stick a daisy into" said the ill-tempered girl for peace. "I mean, this is total bullshit! All of these people want to go to war and none of them will bring out their guns! What a joke!"

 

 

U.S. Response Mixed Toward France's "Maybe"

Following the announcement that France "Might" loan some of it's resources to the war in Iraq, if Iraq uses weapons of mass destruction - U.S. citizens have had mixed feelings about them.

Reaction has ranged from agreeing with France completely, to boycotting all French products such as shitty cars, nasal accents and terrible food.

 

 

This Just In: Sources indicate presence of huge green glowing ball things in the Baghdad sky.

 

 

 

Breaking News: Saddam, Stupid looking in latest pre-recorded video release.

 

 

This Just In: Sources indicate the increased pin-point accuracy of U.S. Tomahawk Cruise Missiles will enable armed forces to circumcise Saddam Hussein before killing him.

 

 

Breaking News: Retired U.S. Army Major General Wesley Clark gets "Shock and Awe" tattoo

 

 

Crips Participate In Operation Freedom Shield

Several Crips leaders have come out publicly to state they will do their part, in the event of an attack on U.S. soil.  In a statement released by the Crips, they vow to "Bust some caps" if any terrorist organizations attempt to "diss" or "gank" us in any way.  Secretary Donald Rumsfeld reportedly gave props to the leaders in a shout out early this morning.