This Just In:
Hollywood to hold candle light vigil for screaming, cheering, celebrating
Gore Responds To Chicks
Al Gore, responding to the
backlash the Dixie Chicks have received following their anti-Bush remarks,
stated, "I can't believe they were made to feel un-American for their
Gore then went on to suggest that
we should just put parental advisory stickers on the Dixie Chicks like he
and Tipper's campaign in the early 90's, in attempt to ban hardcore rap
Breaking News: Pearl Jam
singer Eddie Vedder, Pissed - Upon Hearing News Of Iraqi Celebration - vows to
consequence America by not making music anymore. Sources were unaware he
still made music.
Germany Wants "Say" in
Post-War Iraq Flag Design
The German government has
demanded that it be the country to choose the post-war flag for Iraq.
The Freedom Coalition has strongly opposed this gesture by German leaders,
citing similarities in design to the flag that flew the last time Germany
supported a Murderous Dictator.
In response, the German
government released this proposed design, in an attempt to "Clear up any
questions" regarding their intentions.
||Breaking News: Putin Vows To
Take Iraqi Oil "At All Costs" - threatens action against US and UK forces,
if they don't allow Russia to invade post-war Iraq and participate "in their
France Wants It All
In a much anticipated move,
France declares it "Wants Everything" in post-war Iraq. "Oil, Money,
Land, Everything...We Want it all, you silly little fools!" Says French
Prime Minister, "Those filthy Iraqi civilians
deserve Nothing... It is We who have made the
sacrifice of tolerating you"
Volkswagen/Audi/Porsche Declare Blitzkrieg on Post-War Iraq Auto
Abu Dhabi Doo!
A prominent Iraqi news station
shows it's acceptance of change, as the inevitable outcome of Operation
Iraqi Freedom becomes more clear with each passing day.
"Abu Dhabi Doo will show
the world we love to be like the west" said Mohammad, a camera man
for the network.
Though much anti-western
sentiment will exist in the region for quite some time, characters like
Abu Dhabi Doo should help mend old wounds and bridge gaps to a brighter
Breaking News: Russia, France to send in ice
skating judges for un-biased investigation into chemical and biological weapons
Schwarzenegger to purchase
After being the first civilian
"Hum Vee" owner, Schwarzenegger raises the bar with a deposit on an M1A1
The M1A1 will not be available
until a post-war sell-off of military assets, so Schwarzenegger will have to
wait several days before receiving his new urban assault vehicle.
After renaming "Saddam International Airport" to "Baghdad International Airport"
and receiving an overwhelmingly positive response, US officials plan to rename
anal sex "Baghdadomy"
||This Just In: Rumsfeld
receives insight on strategic operations and tactical maneuvers from "first
time caller, long time listener" of AM talk radio program
Breaking News: French offer of nasal voice
encryption and infidelity weapons refused by US Department Of Defense
|| Friendly fire "not so friendly" according to
||This Just In: "Jehovah's
Fitness" IPO pushed to Q3 - Insiders site weakness in sector, as Americans
receive cardio-workout while enduring endless news loops on CNN.
||This Just In: Iraqi
Republican Guard Members Exchange Martyrdom and 7 Virgins for Hershey Bar.
Breaking News: Prolonged weed shortage
has impacted the US anti-war movement tremendously - Reuters
Ted Kennedy Does "180" - Pushes for War
"I knew from the beginning that either myself or
public opinion polls would reverse themselves, and with polls holding firmly in
support of fighting terror overseas, rather than waiting for it to come to US
soil, I have no choice but to make a political move at this time."
Kennedy's 180 has already had significant impact,
as many of Kennedy's followers have now returned their American Flags to upright
This Just In:
Saddam followers release latest video from archives, including never before seen
footage of Saddam in multiple surroundings and situations.
Tour Sponsors Soil Themselves on Pearl Jam News
Pearl Jam singer Eddie Vedder reportedly bashed
President Bush's face into the stage after brutally impaling it with a
microphone stand at an Australian venue.
"This was an act of passivity in the pursuit of
peace" says Vedder, who's career has lagged in recent years due to American's
decision to stop buying music of has-been's which sounds like it is coming out
of an ass.
"Not even Neil Young can save him now" said Spence
Wilson, Vedder's former heroin dealer.
Pearl Jam sponsors are hard pressed to come up with
something fast and is rumored to be in talks of "going with it"
||Breaking News: Powell
Defeats Formidable Turkish Ambassador In Gangsta Battle
Black Mask Joins Coalition
of the Willing
The U.S. has reached a
significant milestone today, as they have recruited the power and skills of the notorious "Black Mask"
The Black Mask has not been
seen since he single handedly destroyed the mob in issue #147 and was
rumored to have died several years ago, that is until his recent
enlistment in the US Army, which came shortly after he was motivated by an
"Army Of One" commercial.
"With the Black Mask on our
side, there is no reason we cannot obliterate Baghdad entirely, and do so
inside of a week" said Donald Rumsfeld at a Monday press conference.
Breaking News: Basically the same things happened again, except for
that there was some more of it.
||Breaking News: Palestinian
official threatens "Imminent Jihad" if McDonalds doesn't bring the McRib to area franchises.
Breaking News: French
protestors Block electric light parade at Euro Disney
WAR IN HOLLYWOOD
An outbreak of war has occurred in Hollywood,
according to PNN embedded reporters. The war apparently escalated from a
group of celebrities fighting over who will star in movies based on Operation Iraqi Freedom. Soon thereafter, hundreds of producers
involved in the conflict - arguing over production rights "dibs".
Uma Thurman interrupted the battles in attempt to
bring order to the situation, saying, "This war is nonsense... Hollywood will not approve, condone, or become
involved in this war until it is time to actually make some serious cash off of
it... to argue over this now is just silly... there should be plenty of
money to go around!"
||This Just In: "Dixie Chick"
panhandling reports confirmed.
Anti-War Protestor Speaks -
Following Revelation of Socialist Funding and Organization of Protests
Missy Alger of San Francisco has
spoken out publicly regarding recent discovery that many large anti-war
protests in the U.S. were funded by
anti-American organizations with aim at the downfall of the United States.
"Well, the Smurfs are communists
and look how happy they are!" proclaimed Alger, amid her chanting peers, "I
mean, Bush is like, Gargamel and stuff... and we all just want to sing and
be happy and free in the woods."
English translation unavailable at this time.
Bowling for Career Suicide
What's his face,
director of the independent film, Bowling For Columbine - spoke out
against President Bush, calling the war in Iraq a "Fictitious
War" at the single most important global event, the Oscars.
What's his face, "booed" off of the stage by attendees of the
vital event, reportedly plans to hang out with the Dixie Chicks this
weekend, where they will plan funeral arrangements for their short lived
Just In: Anti-War Protestors stay home today. Sources site weed
Breaking News: Iraqi soldiers fire guns into water
in strategic recovery of non-existent pilots of non-existent plane reportedly
downed over Baghdad in propaganda news.
Protestors Help Al Qaeda,
Thousands of protestors have
gathered across the nation in protest of the war in Iraq, and with hopes to
consume police and military resources - increasing the odds of a successful
terrorist attack on US soil.
Three members of Al Qaeda
reportedly thanked the protestors for their efforts and will do what they
can to assure their efforts are not in vain.
Breaking News: France sucks cock.
Arafat chooses moment with
focus on Iraq to quietly turn down offer to appear on "Am I Hot"
In response to dependence
on international oil, GM Announces alternative fuel car powered by
Breaking News: Remnants of the Iraqi regime sends "clear
message" to United States: "If the U.S. continues it's attack on Iraq, we
will have no choice but to use the weapons weapons of mass destruction,
which we don't have."
||Flower Girl Pissed Off
Portland - Shea Hansen has yet to find gun barrel to stick flower in.
"I've walked around the city all day and haven't found a single gun barrel to stick
daisy into" said the ill-tempered girl
for peace. "I mean, this is total bullshit! All of these people want to
go to war and none of them will
bring out their guns! What a joke!"
||U.S. Response Mixed Toward France's
Following the announcement
that France "Might" loan some of it's resources to the war in Iraq, if Iraq
uses weapons of mass destruction - U.S. citizens have had mixed feelings
Reaction has ranged from agreeing with France
completely, to boycotting all French products such as shitty cars, nasal
accents and terrible food.
||This Just In:
Sources indicate presence of huge green glowing ball things in the Baghdad
Saddam, Stupid looking in latest pre-recorded
This Just In:
Sources indicate the increased pin-point accuracy of U.S. Tomahawk Cruise
Missiles will enable armed forces to circumcise Saddam Hussein before killing
Retired U.S. Army Major General
Wesley Clark gets "Shock and Awe" tattoo
Crips Participate In Operation Freedom Shield
Several Crips leaders have come out publicly to
state they will do their part, in the event of an attack on U.S. soil. In
a statement released by the Crips, they vow to "Bust some caps" if any terrorist
organizations attempt to "diss" or "gank" us in any way. Secretary Donald
Rumsfeld reportedly gave props to the leaders in a shout out early this morning.