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Chemical Weapons Finally Found in Iraq

U.S. Intelligence communication intercepts indicate the Iraqi military may possess as much as 400 pounds of Aspartame. 

Iraq officials emphatically deny the accusations, but Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld maintains "The evidence is overwhelming that the Iraqi regime had operational labs with the sole purpose of creating a weapon of mass destruction"

 

 

This Just In:  Celebrity Assholism Futures Up 60%

 

Iraqi TV Airs Photos of Dead Uday, Qusay for Tactile Confirmation

 

Iraqi Citizens touch television to confirm the photos of Uday and Qusay Hussein's dead bodies are in fact not fakes, but are entirely real. 

 

 

 

New Stance From Iraq

Iraqi translators claim it was “opposite day” whenever they have spoken, commented or existed in recent years.

 

 

 

This Just In: Iraqi restaurant chain forced to disclose contents of "secret sauce" to U.N. Inspectors.

 

 

Pregnant Teen Denies Being The Mother
 Missy Hennager of Ottawa denies being the mother of the child she is currently expecting. With no alibi for the estimated date of conception, Missy anxiously awaits the results of blood testing to prove her innocence to her ex-boyfriend Roy.

 

Breaking News: Jealous X sends gift "just to cause problems"

 

U.S. Denies Existence of Operation

Washington - Several key U.S. Military Officials have denied the  existence of Operation: "Just Kill Us", in which over 1,000,000 photographs of Sandra Bernhard were be dropped over Iraq in 1 hour increments, as part of the psyops war on terror.

 

 

Dixie Chick to Receive Academy Award

The middle Dixie Chick astonished the Nation in a CBS PrimeTime interview with Dianne Sawyer, Thursday.

"We knew she could sing and oppose freedom, but never knew she could act!" said Janice Wheaton of Austin Texas.

Academy Award producers have moved quickly, after witnessing what may possibly be the best acting performance in history.

No word on which award the middle one will be nominated for, but sources say it's going to be something big.

 

Dixie Chick's Band Manager - "Proud of Them"

Upon being brought into U.S. custody, the band manager of the notorious Dixie Chicks has issued a statement to the press, citing how proud he is of the Chicks' willingness to insult the president, apologize, then say they aren't sorry.

"It takes a strong woman and a lot of acting lessons to pull of such a bold move in today's bloodthirsty world" said the manager, "Their ability to evade specific questions was pure art, and reminiscent of the Clinton years"