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Scooter Commands Respect

Officer Jim Gustavsen has utilized his Segway Interceptor to command the respect he deserves while patrolling the streets of rural Orange Blossom City, Florida. 

"It's just damn intimidating" said Gustavsen, from atop his "Nemesis" monogrammed scooter. 

"Sure, a squad car has it's perks, but there's nothing like hopping on my Segway, zooming up all crazy on people and scaring the living bajesus out of them."



This Just In: Auto fatalities up 4000% as a result of hands-free kit entanglements.



Rumsfeld Releases "To Do List" for concerned Americans:

- Have on hand three days supply of alcohol, drugs, Viagra and anything you've always wanted to try before you die

- Make a plan for what you would like your last words to be

- Learn about different types of attacks, so you know what type of pain to expect, and for how long before you finally die.

- Do not cancel events or travel plans, instead, go for the gusto. You won't be around to pay your credit card bills.

- Be especially aware of men in turbans screaming "Jihad", nerve agents, nuclear explosives as small as a baseball, suspicious looking sneakers, and any undetectable, tasteless, invisible, odorless chemical agents.

- Relax, if you find yourself too wound-up, read the book of Revelations to take your mind off of things for a while.



This Just In:

Gandalf The White Supremacist Misunderstanding Cleared Up By U.N. Inspectors.