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Breaking News: Weapons not found in Saddam's mouth



Saddam Denies Possessing Weapons of Ass Destruction


Despite the recovery of numerous double dongs, love beads and topical ointments, Saddam Hussein emphatically denies possession of any weapons of ass destruction.  Secretary of Defense, Donald Rumsfeld stated that the weapons were clearly recovered from his premises and denying possession of these weapons will do little to obstruct their investigation.


Car Bombers Boycott Mercedes

Several Middle Eastern groups have declared an unconditional Boycott on Mercedes Benz for their decision to equip cars with leather interior as a standard option.

The sale of animal products will not go unpunished, according to Aheed Jabbar Muhad, of The Fundamentalist Group of Islamic Supremacy For Jihad Awareness,


"We are prepared to deny the German automobile from accompanying us into the next life where we will be greeted by 7 camel riding virgins and jewel carrying goats."


Though Daimler Chrysler-Mercedes has not expressed intent to reduce standard options on the Mercedes line, with such grave consequences at hand, it cannot be entirely ruled out.

Breaking News: Nothing proven in Kobe Bryant rape trail.  He may only be shitty husband, terrible role model.

Hilton Retains Exclusive Pay-Per-View Rights


Following the widely publicized release of Paris Hilton's adult video, the hotel chain demanded it retain rights to show the video to it's hotel customers exclusively.


Rumors of at least one Marriot heir signing for the lead role in upcoming "Rambone III - The Money Shot" have yet to be validated.  But sources say the competition is scrambling to come up with something to rival the Paris Porn armed Hilton Hotels.


This Just In: Woman claims husband has it "going on" to friends at social gathering, reiterates with clarification that she is "talkin' down-town"


This Just In:

Smooth Criminal still being Bad since being spanked 40 Years Ago.


Breaking News: Ben and Jennifer not likely to marry any time soon
This Just In: Tulsa resident had no idea he would end up on the internet and seen by millions, atop "strider", his mini-chopper
Breaking News: Portland cat "muffins" not the same since adoption of cuter cat.


This Just In: Bubba Jones to close doors to rib restaurant after crack addiction setback.



Breaking News: U2 Singer Bono Drops F-bomb on Televised Music Award Ceremony.  In response, FCC officials released the following statement:  "Hey, it's the 2000's."
In Related News: Bono drops F-bomb On Child, Scares Living Crap Out Of Him.
In Other News: The Edge eagerly anticipates his turn to drop the F-bomb on Television


This Just In: Ex-Chemical Engineer Ponders Teflon Inhalation On Steps of Dow Office



Entertainment News:

Clay Aiken to sing smash hit "Invisible" on Fox this Sunday.


Breaking News: Motivational seminar attendees not likely to make difference in world.


This Just In: Survivor Tikrit Reality Series Cancelled


Pickled Quote: Jessica Simpson, "I'm smarter than I seem I be"

The Matrix III Revolutions Continues to Motivate Denver Computer Guy