Saddam Denies Possessing Weapons of Ass Destruction

Despite the recovery of numerous double dongs, love beads and topical ointments, Saddam Hussein emphatically denies possession of any weapons of ass destruction.  Secretary of Defense, Donald Rumsfeld stated that the weapons were clearly recovered from his premises and denying possession of these weapons will do little to obstruct their investigation.

Car Bombers Boycott Mercedes

Several Middle Eastern groups have declared an unconditional Boycott on Mercedes Benz for their decision to equip cars with leather interior as a standard option.

The sale of animal products will not go unpunished, according to Aheed Jabbar Muhad, of The Fundamentalist Group of Islamic Supremacy For Jihad Awareness,

"We are prepared to deny the German automobile from accompanying us into the next life where we will be greeted by 7 camel riding virgins and jewel carrying goats."

Though Daimler Chrysler-Mercedes has not expressed intent to reduce standard options on the Mercedes line, with such grave consequences at hand, it cannot be entirely ruled out.

Hilton Retains Exclusive Pay-Per-View Rights

Following the widely publicized release of Paris Hilton's adult video, the hotel chain demanded it retain rights to show the video to it's hotel customers exclusively.

Rumors of at least one Marriot heir signing for the lead role in upcoming "Rambone III - The Money Shot" have yet to be validated.  But sources say the competition is scrambling to come up with something to rival the Paris Porn armed Hilton Hotels.

This Just In: Woman claims husband has it "going on" to friends at social gathering, reiterates with clarification that she is "talkin' down-town"

This Just In:

Smooth Criminal still being Bad since being spanked 40 Years Ago.