hillary clinton sex

Hillary Seeks Sympathy

Following countless blunders in post-September 11 appearances, such as eye-rolling, smirks and yawns - Hillary sought the sympathy of residents by re-enacting the Lewinski incident at a NY sub shop.

 

 

This Just In: Guys in military surplus trench coats dubbed as trying too hard and failing at whatever look they were trying to achieve.

 

 

Church Can be Fun

Providence, RI - Toward the end of Betsy Roberts emotional speech to her fellow church members, she bursted into tears, saying, "I'm just a big boob" and took her seat.  Pastor Allen was said to have gotten up before the congregation and in attempt to ease emotional Roberts, said, "That's ok Betsy, I like big boobs"

The mass of church goers burst into laughter as the Pastor turned bright red as he realized what he had just said.  Miss Roberts then got up and did a variation of the Macarena as she pulled up her shirt, she danced on her seat as the congregation went completely hysterical.  People began running up and down the aisles, and giving high fives.  Soon Miss Roberts was joined by several other women, who also pulled up their shirts.  They started a bunny hop train, and everyone, including Pastor Allen joined in.  This could possibly be the worst story Screaming Pickle has ever attempted.  Likely a result of no lunch and being subjected to the torturous experience of staring at a Pontiac Aztec for the entire commute, or possibly a lack of motivation.  But there you have it, another true occurrence, with nearly all of the truth wrung out of it.

 

 

gene pool

Gene Pool Awareness Week

Los Angeles - At the 5th annual Gene Pool Awareness Week gathering, Skydiving was voted "Best Recreational Activity" for slow learning, poor manual dexterity, inbred individuals.  They are encouraged not to allow their shortcomings to stop them from trying such things.

 

 

police scooters

Atlanta Police Scooting Out Crime

The police of the traffic ridden city of Atlanta are testing scooters as a viable means of chasing criminals.  A two month trial period using the $9,000 gyroscopic scooters will determine if they are to be a permanent part of the police war against crime.

"We are going to chase crime away by any means necessary" said one police officer, atop his shiny new ride, which he named "Black Sunshine".

Next month, tests begin on the use of bigwheels, tricycles and pogo-sticks.

 

 

Calendarologists Note Rarity of Dates

Bridgeport Connecticut - Dr. Wilhems publishes a column on rarity of certain dates on our calendar, in which some will only come about every 4, 100 or 1000 years.  This comes to us, despite the fact that any given date will never fucking happen again, ever.

 

 

winona ryder shoplifting

Candlelight Vigil for Winona Ryder

A candlelight vigil will be held this Friday to offer support to Winona Ryder, in this difficult time of having too many millions of dollars and fame and good looks and health.  Such a difficult time, in fact, that she made the cry for help by shoplifting a few months ago.  Participants offer their deepest sympathies to her, and hope that this will motivate her to get a fucking clue.

 

 

 

pill camera procedure

Photographic Break-Through

"Marvel of Modern Science" - the Pill Camera takes 2 pictures per second on 8 hour trip from your mouth to your butthole.  Snapshots could take family photo albums to a much more personal level than previously thought possible.

 

 

 

joan rivers facelift In the wake of comic super hero inspired films, Joan Rivers inks deal for leading role in "The Face"

 

real UFO photo photos Breaking News: Sombrero Spotted over Gulf of Mexico - Panic Widespread Among Believers.

 

 

First Karaoke Tune Banned

Berkeley, CA - In a first-ever banning, the popular Karaoke song - Free Bird, by Lynard Skynard was officially banned.  The ban specifically targets those who sing the song with "a significant amount of conviction".  This, following countless episodes of gagging, eye bleeding and suicide in bars across the United States.

Appeals were made, crying 'Unconstitutionality' of the ban.  In response - Judge Dills, "I actually like the song, But...if our forefathers had been subjected to some sorry son of a bitch singing Free Bird, while nearly bursting into tears - there would have been an extra amendment called - 'Tie the short hairs on your ass to the long hairs on your head and then getting the ever-living shit kicked out of you.'"  No further appeals are expected at this time.

 

 

Amazing

Colorado: Phil "Skyjacker" McCloud, an oversized truck enthusiast, drove up into the hills to go camping with buddies.  After drinking some beer, they reportedly picked up several heavy objects, and put them back down again.

 

 

Rap Record Recognized

Boston - Rapper MC Dawg set an all time Rap music record Tuesday.  Dawg busted out his dope rhymes before a sell out crowd of 50,000 fans.  At one point in his performance, Dawg was rumored to have gone 32 seconds without talking about himself - ten times the maximum time frame previously recorded. 

Upon close scrutiny and replay of digital recordings of the concert segment, it has been verified by Guinness as being a full 30 second span, in which he did not talk about himself.  This event has stunned a nation of fans, and this record will undoubtedly stand for a very long time.

Rappers, P-Ditty, Dr. Dre and Snoopy are outraged by MC Dawg's poor job of "representin" Dre: "Dis shih wack beeatch I be poppin caps upside yo ayass"  P-Ditty: "In da wesside yo dawg be frontin up aint gahts ta axe no mo bout ma crib an shih"  Snoopy: "Yo yo dat shiyah ain't be representin yo be frontin I be dissin"  Translators are unavailable at this time.

 

Breaking News: Big Mac voted favorite burger to bite into and have lettuce blow all over the fucking place.

 

al gore beard Despite losing out on what may be the ultimate presidential ticket of the century, Gore is looking pretty good these days.

 

 

News Staff In Turmoil

News anchors and reporters across the country are struggling to expand their vocabulary.  This, following the announcement that they have used up all allowable instances of saying "Ramifications" this year.

 

Breaking News: Switzerland opposes Israel in latest act of neutrality.

 

Breaking News: At least one man killed in suicide bombing.

 

Guy Kicks Guy's Ass

After confronting a drunk and belligerent man in a bar, threatening to "kick his ass" if he didn't stop bumping into him with a pool stick, Bill Wilson was forced to act - upon being nudged "on purpose".  "I kicked the bastard in the ass, but he turned around and beat me silly with a pool stick." said Wilson, through a myriad of bandages.

 

 

Guy Breaks Foot Off In Other Guy's Ass

Sam Swanson was rushed to University Hospital, after breaking his foot off in a man's ass in a bar fight - making good on an earlier threat.  Swanson will now have a prosthetic leg, but claims he has no regrets.  The other man is recovering at another hospital in the area, but is said to be in much better shape than Swanson.

 

 

Guy Rips Guy's Head Off, Shits Down Hole

In yet another instance of this peculiar chain of "first ever" threat follow-throughs, Michael Watt ended up ripping a guys head off to shit down the hole.  This was after the victim would not stop talking in a Cinema Time Theater, and he violently threatened to rip his head off and shit down the hole.  Watt is facing life imprisonment in The Oklahoma Institute for the Criminally Insane.

 

 

subliminal advertising sex Representatives of major fast food chain deny their "hat" logo is actually the head of a penis.

 

Woman "Sick of Gang Violence" Fights Back Against The Crips
Fresno woman, Gladdys Ingles protested to her neighbors of gang violence, "I'm tired of all these buggers going around shooting innocent people, it's not right. I never would have suspected them, since they always seem so nice to me, but you can't even walk by them, they stab you and take your money to buy crack.  It's all I hear about on the news anymore, and I'm not going to stand for it, I'm done giving them special treatment." said Gladdys, "and I'm not driving past one more handicapped parking spot again, I'm going to park my caddy across the whole damn row!"
When neighbors informed Gladdys that "Crips" were gang members and not "crippled" or handicapped people, Gladdys quickly dismissed their claims, saying, "Oh yea, then why was one of them looking at me funny?  He was taunting me!"

 

Schaeffer Coming Out of Closet Rumor, False

Rumors of David Letterman sidekick and co-host, Paul Schaefer coming out of closet have been widespread over the past weeks.  "Everyone is talking about it." said some guy.

Sources say that further investigation into the matter led to disappointment for all.  Paul Schaeffer still devoutly denies rumor, saying "No, I am not Canadian"

 

MTV Spring Break Coverage

MTV is making good on their promise to air a continuous, uninterrupted "Woooooooo!" for the entire duration of their presence in Cancun.  Other uninterrupted items delivered include: Girls in thongs, at least 2 people with blurred body parts, 20 glasses held in air, 10 guys about to pass out from flexing for the last several days, and 5 guys being drunk assholes.

 

Pulling face while opening pickle jar increases hand strength by 40%

 

This just in: Computer Guy Phrase, "Looks like a compatibility issue" is tech lingo for, "I don't have a f***king clue."

 

This Just In: Parents threaten to have catholic priest baby-sit, if kids don't shape up.

 

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Plum Smuggling Ring Fights Back
Suspects charged with involvement in plum smuggling ring set to be tried next month, showed up on capitol hill Tuesday in protest.

Posters printed with, "A.L.P.S. - Adult Lobbyists for Plum Smugglers" moved up and down above the protestors in their extremely tight fitting jeans.  Participants repeated chants to passers by, such as:

"No matter what comes, we will pack the plums"  and "Come what may, the plums are gonna stay!"

This was following the congress veto of a bill last month, which proposed allowing men to wear tight jeans once again.  The original ban came in 1989, when medical researchers discovered a direct link between birth defects and men who wear tight jeans.  Dr. Lamareaux, "It is not feasible to allow this to make a comeback.  The blood restriction from male genitalia unquestionably leads to lower sperm count, birth defects, and eventually total infertility." 

Following his statement on leading to infertility, the Gene Pool Cleaning Association of California came in to fight along side the accused "Plum Smugglers" with hopes to reduce birthrates of stupid pieces of shit.

 

Entertainers Spotted

P-Diddy, formerly known as P-Daddy, formerly known as Pimp Daddy, formerly known as Puffy, formerly known as Puff Daddy, formerly known as Shawn Combs - was spotted having lunch with Prince, formerly known as The Artist,  formerly known as The Artist Formerly Known As Prince, formerly known as some symbol,  formerly known as Prince, formerly known as Roger Nelson.  They are planning a vacation to Istanbul, formerly known as Constantinople.

 

 

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Combination Fork and Chopsticks

This clever new invention has received a U.S. Patent. (#5,056,173)  Instead of being worthless to one culture and practical to the other, as a traditional fork or pair of chopsticks would be, this eating implement can be worthless to both cultures.

 

 

Being a Dork Unacceptable on St. Patrick's Day

It has been decided that when pinched or confronted for not wearing green on St. Patrick's Day, it is not cool to say, "Well, Technically...green is actually being reflected by those who wear green, which is why it is why we see the color.  So, Technically, those who do not wear green are absorbing the green portion of the light spectrum, and are therefore, more green than those who wear green, Technically."

Followup:

It has further been declared uncool to start any sentence with, "Well, Technically.."

 

Drastic Measures Taken For People Stuck in Elevator

People in life threatening situations have been known to perform at levels thought impossible for humans.   This was the case in an elevator malfunction in a Cincinnati Mall.  Words of an anonymous victim of the crisis:  "Cell phones were useless in the elevator shaft, and without food, water or contact with the outside world, there was only one thing to do: drink urine."  Rescuers worked quickly to free the jammed elevator.  But were not able to get to the trapped people for one full hour.

"Sometimes, in life threatening situations, one must act, regardless of how terrible the task at hand may seem." said local man who wished to remain anonymous, Mitchell Wallace.

 

 

Jews, Victims of Stereotype.

"We need to stop stereotyping Jews." said Rabbi Scheckle, "It is completely unfair to do so.  We are good men who don't waste any money, we are usually rich, we are all great businessmen, and though we all have big noses, we should not be stereotyped."

 

 

Al Qaeda Soldiers Resume Training.

Thursday, soldiers in the mountains of Afghanistan dug a hole in some dirt then took turns jumping in and out of it.  US intelligence officials via spy satellite watch them jump in and out of the dirt hole and laugh for hours on end.  "This is the funniest damn thing we've seen since the video of Bin Laden that was supposed to make him look tough, we can't bear to kill these hole jumpers - it's just too damn funny!" 

The officials vowed not to drop a bunker buster on them, until the humor has worn off.  "But that's not likely to happen anytime soon" added one official with tears streaming down his face from laughing so hard..

 

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3 Weenies, 1 Truck

Late night cable shows 3 Japanese men pulling a large truck with their penises.  Though many of us feel that it is completely stupid, it turns out, genitalia that looks like a ramen noodle can be quite sought after in some cultures.

 

 

black jar jar binks star wars racism

Jar Jar Binks Criticism Escalates Into All-Out Racial Disaster.

With the upcoming release of Star Wars Episode II, renewed criticism arises surrounding Jar Jar Binks.  It is said that Jar Jar, and the entire Gungan race was modeled after African Americans and is insulting to their race.  The words:

"Meesa Lika Dis", said by Boss Nass in Episode I, were first uttered by Samuel L. Jackson, when eating a cheeseburger on the set of Pulp Fiction. 

"Weesa People Gonna Die?" was clearly stated by Denzel Washington once, when he got a flat tire.

"Alli Kanae Owa Owa Owa" was a first said by Dennis Rodman in a dress store.

And, "Yousa be rollin light saybas up in heesa grill", said by Binks to Qui Gon Jinn was a  horrific variation on a statement made by on Ted Lange on Love Boat in the 70's.

 

Ahmed Best, who played Jar Jar Binks, is currently seeking consolation from Gary Coleman ("What jew talkin about Willis?") and Emanuel Lewis (Webster). 

 

Another mob has also assembled in protest of Luke Skywalker being modeled after white people, and giving all whiteys a bad name.  Mark Hamil showed up for the confrontation, pleading to the public, "That's not true,  that's Impossible!" reenacting a scene where Darth Vader said, "I'm yo daddy" in Empire Strikes Back.

 

Roseanne Barr protested that Jabba The Hut was an insult to her, but when she realized she was still an emotionally abused loser in rural central Utah when Return of the Jedi was released, she left.

 

Critics are also looking into the Ewoks (furry creatures of Episode VI fame) being modeled after Eskimos, as they were actually the first to ever say, "Celebrate the Love, nub nub." And as if that were not enough, they are making allusions to Jawas being carbon copies of small hooded race of glowing eyed men in the Sahara Desert who frequently say "Ees Kabo Da".

 

Lucas is under much pressure with Episode II set to hit theaters this May.  Opening night for the film has been pushed deeper into May, so as not to interfere with Cinco De Mayo.

 

 

 

curly fries Breaking News: First person in history eats entire order of curly fries without holding one up and saying, "Hey, look at this one!"

 

 

Money De-Throned as King of Motivators

Money has long been thought of as being able to get people to do just about anything.  While this is true, people have their limits as to what they will do for money.  Things people will do for money pale in comparison to what people will do to get a guy to fire a pork wiener at them from an air powered bazooka during the halftime show at sporting arenas across the nation.

 

This just in: Horoscopes are Bullshit.

 

Camaro Driver Chokes on Mullet

In an exercise of masculinity and mulletude, Sven Feminson, aka "The Hammer" was working on his chicken walk to get himself stoked up for a race.  Nearby, Jim Kafka waited in his VW, wondering what in the world was going on.  "He kept doing burnouts in his car, then getting out and walking around his car over and over again, doing this chicken thing with his head and neck, all while carrying a Tall Boy can of Ice House and listening to AC/DC.  I just waited patiently to race him, when he threw his fist forward at me, revved up his motor and screamed - Fear My Metal Face!"  These were the last words of "The Hammer".  During this last display of sheer dominance, his mullet became lodged in his throat, and despite valiant efforts of local scene members, his windpipe could not be freed of the obstruction.  "It was just too powerful" said local man and friend, Steve "Taz" Whimmer.  A funeral procession will be held at the Knuckles Pub on 42nd street this Saturday.  B.Y.O.B.

 

 

Breaking News: Palestinians throw a bunch of dirtclods

Breaking News: Palestinians roll burning tire down hill, jump up and down afterward.

Breaking News: Palestinians chant a bunch of stuff, throw bottles, then run away

 

NASCAR cancelled this weekend

Due to unexpected repairs that must be done on the track this weekend, NASCAR has cancelled this Sunday's race.  When the public went into frenzy and bombarded ESPN's phone systems, NASCAR officials soothed the ecstatic callers by informing them they will be airing a 3 hour video tape, filmed through the glass door of a clothes dryer full of hotwheels.

 

NFL Players "Get Into It"

In an effort not to be outdone in the showboating arena, NFL officials have released a document encouraging players to get more creative when they score.  Accompanying the release, is a video tape with countless soccer goals being scored, and the aftermath.  Coaches have been instructed to integrate showboating into practices with activities like doing an airplane - where you put your arms out to the side and run up the field weaving back and forth like an airplane.  Others were belly slides, and ripping off your uniform while screaming like a little girl.  The players have yet to be seen performing these maneuvers publicly, but one source claims to have seen Brett Favre working on handsprings and cartwheels.

 

This Just In: No psychic has ever won a lotto, retired on blackjack or called up person who wanted reading.

 

Substantial Horsepower Attained.

A local Prelude driver, Joe Salado was reported to have "pushed the envelope" with performance mods to his car in Reno, NV.  Modifications include:  performance stickers, "bat wing" spoiler, 20" wheels, Coffee Can Exhaust Tip, flourescent dashboard lights, 40 air fresheners and aluminum pedal covers.  The sum of these impressive modifications brings him up to 500 horsepower.

Future modifications?  An incredible 1000 horsepower increase from such items as seatbelt covers, clear brake lights, tinted windows and stereo equipment.

 

This Just In: Despite Promises of Virility, Rhino Penis Tastes like shit.

 

94 year old billionaire takes advantage of 24 year old playmate, dupes her into marriage.

Beverly Hills, CA - 94 year old Billionaire Richard Blanc was said to have duped 24 year old playmate into marriage this week.  "It must have been the oxygen tank, I was so light headed" said Misty Mountains.  Blanc was not able to comment on the accusations, since he has not been able to speak since his stroke last year, which rendered him an unconscious drooling vegetable.

 

 

Colonics Misunderstood.

Colonics, is a trendy method of cleansing one's body by rinsing the colon and lower intestine, to clear it of... well...poop.  It has been growing in popularity by the minute, despite actual results of the procedure.  It can be a quite painful process, and will be extremely uncomfortable, to say the least.

"I was so surprised!" said Sheryl Cunningham, "I thought it would be a soothing relaxing experience to have a hose placed in my rectum, and have pressurized water blow all of the shit out of my ass."

Sheryl was first drawn to the procedure when she followed a "Hooked on Colonics Worked for Me" banner on the web.

Next she plans on looking into Ear Coning (pouring hot wax into ears), Trepanation (drilling hole in head) as well as having entrails ripped out with a scythe.

 

 

Miss Cleo not Jamaican

Miss Cleo, spokesperson and mascot for psychic hotline was found not to be from Jamaica.  "Strange, her accent sounded so convincing" said Claudia Sponge.

 

 

This Just In: Stoner listens to Pink Floyd with complete devotion, relates to music on level of depth we could  never understand.  Sober individuals found to completely agree.

 

 

Smuggling tunnel found between Mexico and California.

The FBI discovered a 400 yard underground smuggling tunnel between Mexico and California.  The tunnel ran from a chicken ranch in Mexico, to a pig farm in southern California.  "There is no telling how much these bastards have smuggled through this tunnel." said one Investigator. 

Street values of chicken in the U.S. and pork in Mexico are expected to skyrocket following the illegal pipeline shutdown.

Agent Smith: "Thank goodness this tunnel wasn't between two drug houses, Lord knows what could have happened then!"

 

Game Show News

Women declared to have "significant advantage" when competing in fastest finger question.  Producers currently looking into other options to even things out for men.  Considerations are: Breaking things, Passing Gas, and shaking ketchup out of bottle.

 

 

gang violence

Scooter Gangs Rumble

Venice Beach - Two rival scooter gangs, the "Zingers" and the "Zoomies" engaged in an all out rumble Friday.

The brawl reportedly escalated from an exchange between two rival members of the gangs.  "It's better to zing than to zoom!" said Willy Jones, 17.  "Oh yea, well it's better to zoom than to zing" replied Jimmy Schmitts, 18.

A myriad of windmill punching sequences followed the harsh exchange and prompted gang members from both sides to join in the battle

"I've never seen anything like it" said one witness, "all at once, there were more than 30 people with their eyes closed, swinging their arms and fists at each other in a windmill fashion, it was amazing!"

Two minutes into the rumble, the first and last person to be hit was Zinger member, Jones.  "It really hurt" said whimpering Jones, "I can't believe he actually hit me!"

No arrests were made, as police were rendered powerless by the frenzy of violence.  Officer Bradbury, "We know we should have acted, but damn, I'm only 33 and I've got 2 kids to raise, and I'm not going out like that."

Members of both gangs have officially declared a "cease fire", saying, "There's room in Venice Beach for both of us, for now."

 

 

"Adrenaline Junkies" No Longer Hip.

Greenspan makes declaration with hopes to improve the state of our nation.  "From this day forward, referring to one's self as an "adrenaline junky" is just fucking stupid.  It used to be no big deal, when we weren't bombarded with the term each time we see an episode of Cops or Ripleys, but now we are at a plateau with the expression." said Greenspan at a Monday press conference.

 

 

This Just In:  All-Star Wrestling - Fake, Stupid.

 

 

Catholic Church Continues Standing on Birth Control

"We aren't going to let this get out from under us.", said Priest Venito.  "Condoms and other forms of birth control go against our firm beliefs, and we will not budge."

Later this week, the church is expected to announce their position on bathing, showering, hand washing and eating off of the floor.

 

Breaking News: Honor Student OD's on ambition, turns to pot.

 

Despite Protests in Tongues, Judge Overturns Motion

San Antonio, TX:  Attorney Roy Hardlan moved to overrule the proven, scientific, inarguable fact that it is completely stupid to dance around with poisonous snakes.  Judge Judeson, with a crack of her gavel - "No, it's stupid"

Following the ruling, a group of gathered citizens said in protest, "llaahhbbllaaahh lbluewwwaah lubba lubba blubba luh"

 

This Just In: NASCAR Re-declared "Manly" after "Pole Sitting" Misunderstanding.

 

Security Guard Frisks Self, Finds Contraband.

Mesa, AZ, Security Guard Mike Walcott found contraband in his jeans pocket on Friday.  "It's a disgrace, finding things like this" said Walcott.  Despite pleadings from his wife and three children, he refused to "cut a deal"  This was following the banning of fingernail clippers in the Phoenix Airport, where Walcott works as an X-ray security technician.

 

 

California Prostitutes Lobby for better treatment, less strict laws.

Over 300 Prostitutes Lobbied a California Congressman for protection against discrimination, lifting of laws, and continued tax free income.  The congressman took a stand behind them saying, "I will meet with each and every one of you, one to three at a time, as often as twice per day, until I have heard what each of you has to say"  He also added, "Rest assured, I will be behind you all the way".

 

Electric Toothbrush Manufacturer Shuns Ridicule

The Jealous Husbands Association of California (JHAC) assembled in protest against an electric toothbrush manufacturer. Their statement, "These guys are driving us out of the bedroom" stemmed from the supposedly "perverse" shape of electric toothbrush handles. In a release issued by the manufacturer, Phil McGowan, President, stated, "Our company, 'Personal Treasures' prides itself upon providing superior oral care products, nothing more." A public exchange between the parties will be held at the Adult Novelties convention in Sacramento next week.

 

Switzerland Joins United Nations

"By joining the UN, we can further emphasize our completely neutral status in the world." said Swiss official.

 

Vermont Wife Still Not Turned On.

After 43 years of marriage, the site of husband shaking his wiener at her through the shower curtain gap still does not turn her on.

 

 

 

New Orleans resident outraged at "Mammy" nickname.

Lisa Rodham protests to her community with signs and some very loud yelling.  "Just because I'm a black woman in the south, doesn't give people the right to call me Mammy!  Everyone calls me Mammy, I don't hear anyone else being called Mammy.  Even other African Americans call me Mammy"  When asked to summarize her feelings about her widely used nickname, she exclaimed, "It aint fittin, it just aint fittin!"

 

feminist camp

Feminist Camp Surviving

Despite camp fire restrictions across the U.S, one feminist group keeps spirits high with camp stoves, pliers and some good, old fashioned creativity.

Butch Jensen, "We've got a job to do, and aren't about to let little things like this hold us back....Stop looking at me like I'm an object!"

 

 

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Dr. Laura Croft - Video Game Debut

Dr. Laura, longtime advocate of putting people in their place, has chosen horny teen boys as her latest victims of attack - with her new video game "Womb Raider" due for release early next month.  Laura plans to educate the teen boys on just how wrong and violating they will inevitably become as men.  "We are going after the root of the problem" said an outraged Dr. Laura, "Teen boys are a disease, I am the cure"

 

dr laura nude

Dr. Laura Speaks Out

Dr. Laura accuses parents who use televisions, computers, telephones, cars, electricity or running water of living out their own perverse sexual fantasies through their children, and should be put to death.  She went on to suggest posing nude as a way to release these built up tensions

 

alcoholic Recovering Alcoholic Finds Success

Recovering alcoholic and barber of Watto, Kansas - James Tucker attributes his success in sobriety to his 12-step program's strict adherence to anonymity for it's members.

 

naacp

NAACP Sues Government Agencies

The NAACP has launched a fleet of lawsuits against government agencies nationwide - citing a "Completely racist signage system throughout this country." 

The organization is currently focusing on 'pedestrian crossing' signs, saying: "The signs which depict a black man with no hands, feet or neck crossing the street because he doesn't have a car...is a clear depiction of a modern African American male, aged 17-27 living in underdeveloped inner-city neighborhoods, and we won't stand for it."

The government agencies accused, have opted not to comment at this time, with a formal announcement scheduled to be made next week by a white male, aged 45-60 living in an overdeveloped and exclusive area overlooking a large valley.

 

 

Breaking News: Police and FBI Officers arrest several radio DJ's for openly referring to themselves as being celebrities.

 

 

This Just In: Wearing an "I want to believe" t-shirt with a silk screened UFO on it is damn stupid.

 

 

 

lenox lewis interview Lenox Lewis - Exclusive Interview

Screaming Pickle had the opportunity to interview the incredible Heavyweight Champion of the world, Lenox Lewis.

Jacksonville, Florida airport, baggage claim:

SP: "We are from Screaming Pickle and would like to conduct an interview with you, do you have a moment?"

Lewis: "I'm not interested in an interview, will you please, kindly let me be?"

SP: "What is it like to be a Jamaican from England who lives in Florida?"

Lewis: "Please, I will miss my flight if I don't get on the plane"

SP: "What is your favorite food."

Lewis: "I don't care to talk, please...I really have to get going."

SP: "Do you drink tea or coke with your crumpets and ganga?"

Lewis: "Please, you are very nice and funny and I am not trying to be rude, but I really must go"

SP: "What's your favorite variety of ganga, and who hooks you up?"

Lewis: "Thank you for caring to ask me these questions, but I really must get along now."

- Unfortunately, Lewis had something come up and was not able to continue our interview, but we have put some calls into his agent for an interview at a later date.

 

 

 

saddam hussein

Saddam Hussein Awarded "Best Dick Broom 2002"

Runners up included Tom Selleck (Magnum P.I.), Dennis Franz (Sipowitz, NYPD Blue) and a hand full of highway patrol officers across the United States.

Al Gore received honorable mention, but was clearly not in contention for the award at any time.  While Gore strongly disputes the loss, his facial hair had not grown in by the deadline set forth for the competition.

 

 

mike tyson fight Lewis Vs. Tyson
Lennox Lewith battered a befuddled Mike Tython before stopping him cold with a crashing right hand in the eighth round, keeping hith heavyweight titleth. A thurprithingly graciouth Tython said, "Lewith wath amathing"

This approach from Tython absolutely thtunned the boxing world, ath he had a much different tone in pre-fight interviewth, with commentth thuch ath: "I want to damage hith brainth with my fith" and "I want my fith to go through hith fayth"

 

This Just In: Holding up a digital camera for over 45 seconds to wait for the perfect moment to take a snapshot of a still object is damn annoying.

 

Eminem - Latest Release and Protests

White Rapper Eminem (M and M for Marshall Mathers) cuts record about being picked on and hated by politicians and elite business men, which he claims try to keep him down.  In response, a panel of politicians and elite businessmen reportedly said, "Who?"

 

 

Airfares at all time low

Plane ticket prices are now at an all time low, according to sources.  This price cut comes as a result of the fact that people are no longer allowed to actually get on the fucking plane.

 

Breaking News: Recent study indicates that criminals who have gone to prison are likely to commit further crimes.  This news comes as a complete shock, as most people felt entirely comfortable and trusting around people who have been stabbing and raping other guys for a few years.

 

bill gates

Gates Does His Part

After the release of a white paper, concluding that Bill Gates' sneeze is worth more than the total assets of Terrorist and Al Qaeda leader Bin Laden - Gates reportedly plans to purchase Mecca.

The software tycoon also plans to ship several Windows 95 based computers to Al Qaeda leaders, to hamper their operations.

 

 

homeless man

Homeless Pledge To Do Their Part

Las Vegas - Sources indicate homeless individuals are doing their part to conserve, in the midst of a severe water shortage that plagues the western United States. 

"These people look like they haven't showered in months!" said one source, who also noted: "This kind of sacrifice shall not go unnoticed."

 

 

 

Breaking News: Impotence forces Catholic Priest into retirement.

 

 

 

This Just In: Caller captivates talk radio audience by informing them they are a first time caller, long time listener.

 

 

Company Changes Name

Law Firm Melrose-Hansen-Kirshaw-Meecham-Berry-Marlow-Callaway decided their name was just fucking stupid.  Next month, the firm plans to change their name to Callaway-Marlow-Berry-Meecham-Kirshaw-Hansen-Melrose.

 

 

penis trophy

Golfing Trophies Become More Personal

In efforts to boost network ratings and entice golfers on a more personal level than previously done -  A prominent golfer's association handed out what has been called the "after hours" trophy - at a tournament on Monday.  A "special" post-tournament show is expected to air on Cinemax later this week.

 

 

 

star wars taliban

Breaking News:

Taliban Found in Star Wars Galaxy

 

 

 

pregnancy marijuana baby This Just In: Effects of Pregnant women smoking marijuana "non-conclusive" argues High Times magazine.

 

Investor News: Basically, everyone got stripped down, bent over and buggered publicly this week.

 

catholic priest altar boy

The Scandal Continues

In a press conference, Cardinal Bernard Law was interrogated for not dismissing known sexual offenders.  In response, Law diverted the questions by stating: "You may have already won $10,000,000"

 

 

 

arafat photogenic Arafat Awarded: "Mr. Photogenic 2002"

 

Inflatable Altar Boys

In the wake of recent scandals and restrictions placed on Catholic priests, sales of blow-up altar boy dolls have skyrocketed.  Church member Melvin Walton is hopeful, saying, "This is obviously a sign that times are changing"

 

 

Inmates Cite Terrorist Impact

CA - Inmates of the Cino Correctional Institution protest tighter enforcement of sexual misconduct regulations.  In a press release, one inmate stated, "If we can't feel safe, going about our normal, daily routine of butt raping our fellow inmates, then the terrorists have already won."  The relationship between this and terrorism has yet to be determined.

 

 

 

animal costumes

Animal Cruelty soars to new heights.

Washington - At a local pet store, animal rights extremists protest against pet owners who "maliciously steal" their pet's identity, to make them more human.  "This is an atrocity!" said Pam Houser, "I can't believe anyone could stoop so low as to subject their pets to this kind of violation"

The extremists aim to ban the sale and production of outfits for dogs has yet to arrive at any significant milestones. 

Rosie O'Donnel's personal tailor was unavailable for interview.