best hamburger

Six Dollar Burger - Carl's Jr.

This is the best damn hamburger I've ever hand in my life - the pickles, the toppings, the fresh lettuce, tomato and onions, the bun - the huge perfect, beautiful, most  juicy and tasty son of a bitchin beef patty I have ever seen in my life.

I would love to just freaking stab them repeatedly until they understand just how damn delicious this hamburger is.  I would love to just grab one of their employees and lick them over and over, until they acknowledge the absolute perfection of this completely incredible damn hamburger.  I love the damn thing.



best hard drive

IBM Deskstar 300 Gigabyte Hard Drive

It's not very often something like this comes along, from the moment I laid my eyes on this son of a bitch, I knew it was for me.  I grabbed the bastard off of the shelf, put it under my arm and went to the register.  I scanned the thing myself, after much resistance from Mr. "I have to scan that sir" at the register.

I got home and put the thing in my PC and damn near fell off of my chair when it was automatically detected!

Now I have 300 Gigabytes and 7200 RPMs of throbbing power inside my computer.  Damn, I wish I had room for another one.

I just want to go to IBM myself and grab one of their corporate heads by the face and shake the consciousness out of him, telling him "Thank you, Thank you SO MUCH!  Thank you for making such excellent, fantastic damn hard drives!"




world's best donuts

 Krispy Kreme Donuts

I've had many kinds of donuts in my life, of every flavor imaginable - but this is the first time in my entire life that I want to literally make sweet, sweet love to a box of donuts.  Holy damn crap these are so damn delicious I could just stack the damn things on my manhood and then eat them.  I want to just suck them, suck on them and suck on them until there is nothing left but the purest form of complete ecstasy felt with these damn son of a bitches.


Tomorrow I am going into Krispy Kreme and jumping over the counter so I can take each and every one of those c-cksuckers that work there and hold their faces in the damn oil until they can acknowledge the complete, absolute damn perfection of these donuts.  They are beyond sexual, they are everything I have ever dreamed of in anything, all in a convenient, perfectly constructed box with a window in the top so I can just stare and lust for the mouth watering fulfillment that will inevitable come with every single damn son of a bitching bite into these whore ass ramming perfect Krispy Kremes.  I love them.



Janet Jackson's Boob Janet Jackson Boob

I know that enough time has passed since the boob incident at the Superbowl, but I find myself drawn to the boob more and more as the days go by.  At night, I find myself thinking about it often and I've been purchasing an abnormally large quantity of ham lately.

I don't think I want to stop looking at it.  I don't think I should have to.  I want to just download Janet Jackson's boob and eat ham all of the time.  And if that is wrong, well then, I don't want to be right.



Paris Hilton Video Review

Paris Hilton Video

This is what I've been missing in my life.  The Paris Hilton video.  Holy boning ritual of all time I love the Paris Hilton video.  I can't even describe how totally incredible it is to just sit and watch the Paris Hilton video. 


Everytime I watch it, I literaly turn into Chuck Norris and deliver multiple

nude roundhouse kicks to my monitor.


It is the most amazing thing I've ever seen in my entire life.  I think I am going to change my name to Paris and go around doing people just like Paris did in the video only I'd have this totally smooth beret on and I'd grow a soul patch but longer and I'd run all over the place saying "Cwasoh!"  Cwasoh!"

I tried to tell my neighbor about it, but he wouldn't listen.  I tried again, but he resisted.  It was then that I left and returned quietly with a hot clothing iron set to cotton and pressed it into his neck with a sort of twisting motion.  I held him down with the iron until he agreed to say he loved Paris Hilton more than his wife and children.

I am in love with Paris Hilton beyond conventional human love.  I actually want to become her.  I am a changed man who loves to dance.



Fiddy Cent

I can sum up my sentiment for fiddy cent in one sentence: Holy f-ing dogsh-t.

His rhymes and beats are so son of a bitching schmoove, it makes me want to do a drive-by on myself. 

I want to just run up to him and rip out one of his f-ing eyes I love him so much.  I seriously can't believe someone like fiddy cent can go around representing like he does. 

Most people don't know this, but Fiddy Cent is capable of flying.  I'm always visualizing him flying around in the air and then landing on a building and then flying again and I always pour out some bub on the floor for Fiddy Cent, even though he is with me in spirit.

He's always representing.  All of the time, and I think that's the most real thing I've ever heard of. 

He's been shot in the face at point blank range with a Howitzer like 9 times and he's still representing.  There is no one like Fiddy Cent.

Compared to Fiddy, Tupac is a turd and Biggie is like a bigger, fatter turd.


best vacuum reviews

Deeper Cleaner Model X35

Oh my sweet damn hell, this thing is absolutely, positively the best damn vacuum I have ever used or even heard of in my entire life.  The grip on the damn handle is mind-boggling, but the real experience of this fantastically damn fabulous vacuum is the suction. 

Oh my holy dog damnit this thing sucks like a thousand dollar whore.  And this bastard has the most elaborate assortment of attachments I've ever seen, conveniently stored behind a see-through panel in it's flawlessly streamlined body that would make most other vacuums blow yesterday's crap all over the place.  I want to make love to it (and have done so).


best german sausage

I cannot let one single day go by without eating Schnitzengrubers. These c-cksuckers are nothing short of being 100% pure f-ing marvels of modern science with their plump, juicy tastebud penetration. Each time I put my mouth around one of these huge ass Schitzengrubers I become overwhelmed with the desire to stab every single damn German alive.
I cannot accurately describe the experience of devouring these massive, throbbing, mouthwatering Schnizengrubers. I seriously love them and anything that has anything to do with them.  I often find myself dreaming of a place where there is nothing but Schizengrubers everywhere. Nothing has left me this fulfilled.  Ever.

I just can't get over Schnitzengrubers. I want to see everyone eat them constantly - constantly!  And by constantly, I mean all of the time.